Question: I had a break up with my boyfriend of nine years. It is not the first time, we’ve had many fights earlier and made up mind to leave him. I gave in each time because the man cried in front of me and made sure that he would keep all his promises which he repeatedly failed to do. Undoubtedly he is good at bed but he is ignorant about how I perceive and see things. He does not have time for future, he abuses me with his harsh words and thus i brought the relationship to an end. Somehow, I cannot get over this trauma no matter what. Can you help you providing ways that will help me to cope with the situation and sleep peacefully at nights?
Answer: Breaking up can be very scary, especially for someone who’s been suffering from abuse. Reaching out to someone who can offer support will help in the long run, as they can be there during this difficult time. They can also help victims remember what it used to be like before the relationship, and how they are worth and lovable. Whether it’s family or friends, having a place to go and money or a job in place will also provide much needed support. Furthermore, it’s important to connect with themselves again and work on undoing the damage.
At the end of the day, love is not controlling. It’s not about trying to change a person, but rather about celebrating that person. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship!
Related reading: 10 ways to deal with heartbreak
Do the Relationship Inventories and bring the big picture into view.
This is SO important. Affirmations and positive self-talk are absolutely essential. You must tell yourself every day that you are a good and loving person who deserves good and loving people in your life. It’s true and you must learn to believe it.
All healthy relationships are comprised of two healthy people. Healthy people have good boundaries.
Most people leaving abusive relationships have deep issues from childhood that need unpacking and examination. Get a good therapist who has experience with abusive relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
A patient of mine had the most pressing reason for leaving her abusive marriage. She has three sons and did not want to unleash 3 abusers onto the world. Her sons are now grown and they are loving, caring and devoted husbands, fathers, uncles and sons. They are incredible men and She is so proud of them. There is no way that they would be who they are had she stayed. Find good reasons to LEAVE and keep it in the front of your mind every day. There are days when it seems hard and you will be tempted to return. Have your reasons for leaving and staying gone FRONT AND CENTER and review them every day.
Related reading: Testing times bring out the best in relationships
Make gratitude lists as to what you’ve managed to escape and how lucky you are. The initial stages of a breakup and learning to survive it all are TOUGH. Keep the focus on the good stuff for some part of every day.
Grieve what you wanted it to be and your hopes and dreams. Many people don’t want to grieve an abusive relationship but grief is normal and natural and healing. Allow yourself all your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Cry, pound the pillows, walk the floors: LET IT OUT!
If you want to read through more on mental health and sexual health please log on to doctorsharmila.in which has many articles on mental health and sexual health and relationships.
All the very best to you, stay strong and keep blooming to exude your fragrance all over.
Dr Sharmila Majumdar