This is the story of my encounter with jealousy in love. Ours was one of the most treasured, loving relationships I ever had. An alliance that overcame every test it ever faced. Time, trust issues, long-distance, support, we passed every hurdle without any problems.
Four years on and there had never been an altercation. It was passionate head-over-heels love, it never felt like a possessive relationship despite the intense bond we shared. Just my voice could make him go weak in his knees and he could rave about the million qualities he adored in me.
For me, his genuineness, his never-ending passion was unique and unlikely to be found elsewhere. On paper, our relationship seemed perfect. We had developed the closest thing to unconditional love. Or, at least we thought so.
How Jealousy & Possessiveness Killed Love
I noticed no signs of unhealthy jealousy in our relationship. I never noticed either of us feeling insecure in the relationship. In the beginning, everything was pretty much as good as it could be. We had lasted 4 strong years like that and I saw no reason to think it would ever stop.
Then one fateful day, his mother left their family to spend the rest of her life with her lover. All hell broke loose. The firm ground beneath his feet had become wobbly and shaky and he got anxious about losing the only other woman he loved: me.
Once, his brother needed him to accompany him somewhere when he’d originally planned an evening with me. He’d already come to pick me up when he heard his brother needed him and he turned red with rage. Suddenly, I saw him run up the staircase that led to the terrace.
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When I reached him, he was fuming, his body trembling and his phone shattered on the floor. Holding him close, I still recall that tension in his body which took a good half hour to subside. I never thought he had any anger issues. Another time, I mentioned how friends were as important as love in my life. His sister called and asked me if all was fine, apparently, he had not eaten or slept for two full days.
Upon seeing these first signs of jealousy in love, I was completely baffled by how he was coping with his mother leaving. I never thought I’d see this side of him, but things were only about to get worse.
I started noticing signs of unhealthy jealousy
A year later, he moved abroad to pursue an MBA. He began to spend all his money on phone calls. I had to secretly transfer money to him for food. When I protested, he’d complain I didn’t understand that our conversation was oxygen to him. I never saw the warning signs. I was absorbed in filling up the black hole created by his mother’s departure. After all, this was my perfect man.
A year passed and even a four-hour-long call wasn’t adequate anymore. He got suspicious as to why I couldn’t devote more time. After late-night calls, he would make endless missed calls to ensure my phone wasn’t busy. In the early stages, I tried to shrug it off, but a part of me wondered, “Is jealousy a sign of love?”. He started developing trust issues, signs of which were hard to miss.
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Eventually, it got so bad that the jealousy in love was taking over my life. I started to get depressed. I felt like my savior had suddenly become my stalker. Where love was a breath of fresh air, suddenly I felt suffocated, drowned, and tied up. Like my wings had been cut and I had been put into a cage. My true self, my identity, the friendly and larger-than-life me, that forever smile on my face that everyone loved about me was disappearing.
His jealousy issues left me feeling suffocated
I decided to acquaint him with every friend, even getting them to talk to him. Then came the impulsive demand that I stop seeing friends in the evenings. I tried to fulfill this wish too, to prove nothing could ever come between us, but to no avail. He wanted details of my daily schedule and my hourly whereabouts. He wanted to check my email accounts. He even went through my phone every time we met. He demanded that I stop wearing any sort of revealing clothes in the presence of male friends. His controlling behavior pushed me to the edge.
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Then one daunting night, on my best friend’s birthday when they were all waiting for me so we could leave for the celebration, he decided we needed to chat for at least another hour. When I pleaded to let me go, he got hysterical and claimed everything else had become more significant. I ended the call and sat there frozen and numb, staring into the darkness. I quietly went downstairs where my two best friends had been waiting. I had an outburst holding onto them, howling and wailing in the most distraught way.
The next morning, I woke up with a big void. I couldn’t feel the love anymore. He soon sensed the lack of emotion in my voice, the missing passion. Instead of looking forward to talking to him, his jealousy in love just made me want to run away. The more he seemed like a control freak, the more I felt trapped.
Finally, the day came when he asked the inevitable question. He knew what the answer would be. He just had to hear it and I had to blurt it out once and for all. We both stayed quiet for a while. Breaking the long silence he said, “Please don’t leave. I can’t imagine life without you.”
He wanted another chance, while I was fighting the turmoil within me, only God knew how much. When I found my voice, I said, “I don’t know how to love anymore.” Love had become alien to me. Eventually, he and I parted ways. Jealousy had taken away what no distance, no human, no conspiracy could ever take from us.
(As told to Antara Rakesh)
The root cause of jealousy in love changes from relationship to relationship. However, the most common causes stem from insecurity issues, low self-esteem and unrealistic expectations. In most cases, the person feeling jealousy in love is often doing so because of their own issues.
If you are jealous in a relationship, you should try to figure out why you think you might be jealous. Establish the root cause and work on the feelings of inadequacy you feel within yourself. Learn to let go of things a little, and don’t give too much importance to petty aspects of the relationship. Being patient, truly trusting your partner and believing in yourself will all help you get rid of feeling jealousy in love.