Choose your life partner wisely. This is something that you could have heard in your growing up years. You were told that having the right partner would be the key to all your happiness. But chances are you were never told how to choose a life partner or what qualities to look for in a life partner. So when you started looking for a mate you floundered and remained indecisive most of the time.
But in the modern era where expert help is easily available online, both in the form of articles and face-to-face interactions, you need not keep groping in the dark about choosing the right partner for marriage.
Qualities To Look For In A Life Partner
There are a few steps that you need to take when you are choosing a mate. First, jot down the qualities you want in a partner, what we call the ideal partner description. Here are the qualities to look for in a
- Looks could be important or unimportant to you.
- Kindness and compassion could be a must.
- You want your partner to respect your independence and controlling attitude could be a red flag.
- You could be looking for financial security or you could be happy growing rich together.
- Romance and reliability could be your thing.
- And having a funny bone is a given.
- You could want someone really hardworking and sorted out.
- A love for travel is something you might want to share.
Of course, having the right connection, attraction and compatibility are important. It’s not that you have to follow this structure to the T but these jottings might be your rough guide when you are looking for answers to the question: How to choose a life partner?
It is equally important to be aware of what exactly you don’t want in a partner. Being bossy with the waiter could be your instant put off and not having a deep connection with their family could be the other. You could hate it if they talk too much about themselves and criticism is what you find unnecessary all the time.
How To Choose A Life Partner – 12 Expert Tips
Choosing the right partner may not be an easy job. Because it’s hard to find everything you want in one person. And it’s equally hard to give you answers to the question when you ask how to choose a life partner? On top of that, there is nothing like being absolutely right and being absolutely wrong in choosing a mate. Let’s remind you, your potential mate could tick all the right boxes but does not come with a guarantee of a lifetime of happiness. On the contrary, you might go for someone who is not the perfect mate material but you could just perfectly click with them.
Psychologist Snigdha Mishra says, “What to look for in a partner is actually a personal call and depends on one’s personal preferences and value system. But, as a relationship and couples therapist, I have seen a pattern that makes relationships less of an effort and easier to work upon. For starters when couples share common values, their understanding and mutual respect and communication are on more or less similar grounds. These value systems are not societal or parental but created through life experiences and are like principles you live by and live for. Efforts you make in life as people are government by these values.”
So in the end you just have to run a few checks and balances and see how much of compatibility you have with the person in all aspects of functioning together. How to choose a partner in an arranged marriage? It’s somewhat the same process you need to follow. You need to spend some time together that’s for sure and go through our 12 tips. Read our tips carefully to choose your life partner wisely.
1. Can you be yourself around your partner?
How to find your best life partner? Just see if they can accept you exactly as you are (without the make-up and shave). You can be totally yourself around them. And also if they are okay with the kind of life you used to lead maybe, hanging out with friends, traveling for work and spending time with parents on the weekends. If they don’t want you to change anything and are okay with those patchy boxers you wear at home or the LBD that shows a bit too much of cleave, then you have a treasure there.
“If a person has values, respect, kindness, and EQ then it’s likely that person will both nurture and wish for certain mental, emotional, and physical independence as a person and partner. They will help create healthy boundaries in a relationship that would enable personal, professional, emotional, and spiritual growth,” said Snigdha Mishra.
Being able to be yourself with your partner is the most important thing in a marriage. You don’t have to hide any of your purchases, interactions with colleagues, or that urgent late-night call from the boss.
2. Is talking to them like a breeze?
Or are there awkward silences when the two of you are talking. Let’s tell you one thing talking is something that you will do, all your life. At every step of your life communication will have to flow to make your marriage a success. There is no harm in one person being an introvert and another being an extrovert. One might talk more and one might talk less but there has to be a flow to the conversation.
Also it has to be a proper interesting conversation where you could get passionate about politics and the movies. You can’t be just rambling about this and that and beating around the bush.
Do you both manage to hold on to each other’s attention while talking without anyone toying with the mobile? If yes, then you are going in the right direction in finding a life partner.
3. Do you have similar interests?
Our second point flows from the first one. If you have to have interesting conversations then you have to have similar interests. If he is totally into the headlines of the day and you haven’t checked out the news in the last week then the conversation could happen but it would be inevitably one-sided. There will be times when he would get tired of being the newspaper to you.
Also having similar interests might mean doing similar activities together which is very gratifying in a marriage. If both of you like experimenting with food then exploring new restaurants every week could be a thing to look forward to in your marriage. The same goes for travel, movies, and books.
4. How different are you?
Be aware that it’s important to be similar but there should be plenty of differences too. Otherwise, the marriage wouldn’t work. For instance, you both could be into books but your choice of books could be very different. Or you could be into English books and your partner could be into vernacular books. So when there is a power cut after a cyclone you could spend an entire evening telling each other stories from the books you read, most importantly the very different ones.
Having dissimilarities could also mean that one would be good at something and the other would be good at something else. So while he likes ironing clothes you are good with folding and stacking. You get all the things ready on your travel list and you are not the kind to miss out on anything but packing is not your forte. He could compress so much into a single bag and pack that you are always left awed. These differences mean you have chosen a life partner wisely.
5. Have you holidayed together or gone on a drive together?
If you have been thinking about how to choose a life partner then you must ensure you spend at least a short holiday or even do a day trip with them. If you are not comfortable sharing the same room yet that’s fine.
But remember a holiday together could be a revelation. You could find out if your potential partner is cool and composed when the flight is delayed and when the food is served cold or they jump into fits of rage because things aren’t going according to plan.
A drive in the countryside through the bumpy roads when it’s raining cats and dogs – do they find it romantic? Or do they keep cursing the whole idea?
In fact, you could be the one who can’t do without a luxury accommodation and your partner drags you along down a hiking trail and then sets up camp by the lake. Your anger knows no bounds when you stay awake dealing with the mosquitoes. So will this match work? Decide wisely.
6. What kind of attraction do you feel for each other?
While you have been told to choose a partner wisely, physical compatibility might have been lowest in your pecking order of the qualities you look for in a partner. There is no doubt that sexual attraction wanes over time and it’s the mental and emotional connection that cements a relationship. But physical incompatibility can become a big issue in a marriage.
So check out how much you are attracted to each other. How much you enjoy in bed and also how much are you into hugs, cuddles, kisses, and holding hands? These things really matter.
7. Do you have the same financial and social standards?
It is not always important to be from the exact same social strata in order to tie the knot. But having a similar financial and social standard helps in thriving together. If one person is very poor and the other is very rich then there is a possibility of being called a gold digger.
But there are instances when people from poor financial backgrounds have come up in their life by the dint of their own merit and have married above their own standards. These marriages are very successful. So there is no exact rule book but do check if your potential partner has the zeal to make it later in life.
8. Are you expecting perfection?
If you are expecting perfection in your life partner then that’s a cardinal mistake you are making. Nobody is perfect. But it depends on how much imperfection you are willing to accept. But if a person has the basics of kindness then you needn’t have reason to worry.
Snigdha Mishra says, “It’s often said that if you have to find out about someone’s character look at how they treat the less fortunate. I am unsure if it’s an absolute truth, but I am sure that it does reflect their kindness and compassion. It’s easier to be with someone who is simply kinder and more compassionate and has more humanistic values.”
So when they have occasional temper tantrums you could be willing to accept that. But do they get too hurtful? Or even abusive? No matter how much you love them and feel you are made for each other, you need to think twice. But please don’t judge a guy for his sloppy hair or a lady for her occasional unkempt eyebrows.
9. Are you planning to have an engagement?
Having an engagement is a good idea. This is the pre-marriage stage, you are neither dating nor married, but there is some kind of legal binding. This is the time a partner starts to put down his or her guards more, knowing that the relationship is almost solemnized. They start owning you.
This is a good time to see how much you gel. Does she start loathing your sports bar time or does he expect you to get back from work on time every day? Does she start criticizing your family and does he start keeping track of your finances?
It is always possible to call off an engagement but these few months you are engaged will give you a clear idea if you have chosen your life partner wisely.
10. Does your partner respect you?
This is the most important aspect of a relationship. In our views, maybe much more than love. Mutual respect helps a relationship sail through the ups and downs of marriage. Snigdha Mishra says, “Being friends and respecting each other’s differences is paramount in maintaining transparency and creating healthy boundaries in a relationship.”
You would stand up for each other, support each other, and be there for each other if there is respect. When you are choosing a mate respect should be the key.
11. Does your partner have a sense of humor?
A sense of humor is very important to laugh through life, often through the tragedies even. If both people in a marriage do not have a sense of humor then one person might crack a joke and one might not get the punchline.
It often happens that one partner is the serious kind and the other is the more cheerful, happy-go-lucky kinds but when it comes to their sense of humor they are always on the same page. A sense of humor is what you should look for in a life partner and it will help you achieve much happiness in the future.
12. Do you think you will grow together intellectually?
When two people get married they are usually young and do not look at the future with too much maturity. Sometimes marriages suffer when one person grows intellectually and the other person cannot keep pace. Then the conversations keep faltering and two people start losing interest in each other’s lives.
Having a similar educational background, similar interests and a shared goal could mean that you would grow together intellectually. Having the same level of EQ (emotional quotient) also helps. “Everyone has a past and comes with some emotional baggage, but someone with a decent EQ will also have the resilience and good coping skills. They will also be able to express and relate emotionally as a partner and help in mutual growth,” said Snigdha Mishra.
Choosing the right partner for marriage is not an extremely difficult task if you keep our 12 simple yet pertinent expert tips in mind. If you still feel you need help then pre-marital counseling could be the way forward. A certified counselor would tell you how to find the best life partner.