How to deal with insecurity in a relationship? This is a question you may have dealt with at some point in your life. Whether it was with your high-school crush, insecurity creeping up in your marriage or just dealing with a perpetually jealous and insecure wife or husband. Insecurity is one of the most common problems in many relationships and one that can sadly, completely even crush the love you two have fostered.
Instead of being harsh on your partner and hurling hurtful words at them, you can encourage your spouse to take the help of counseling, try to find a better solution and figure out how to not be insecure in a relationship. The constant anxiety and worry that comes with being insecure can truly be crippling for the partner who feels these constant pangs and might even start being controlling in the relationship. At the same time, the other partner who has to deal with all this will undoubtedly feel that an insecure partner drains relationships completely. Irrespective of which side of this spectrum you’re on, you’re going to need a little help and advice to deal with it.
Someone in a similar situation approached us with a question, “How to deal with insecurity in a relationship?” Counseling psychologist and certified life-skills trainer Deepak Kashyap (Masters in Psychology of Education), who specializes in a range of mental health issues, including LGBTQ and closeted counseling, shares some insights on handling insecurities in a relationship.
My Insecure Partner Drains Relationship, What Should I Do?
Q. I have just joined a new job after running a business with my spouse of 11 years because we ran into some heavy financial problems. We weren’t left with any choice but to go out and earn a living and quit our own enterprise. Now that we don’t work together, my insecure husband has all kinds of odd and unnecessary questions for me. He messages me endlessly day in and day out.
I do realize that he’s going through financial stress as well, along with the fact that he’s not used to me working apart from him. I’ve explained to him very lovingly and calmly but we have fought about this many times too. I don’t want to fight too much though so I keep quiet and ignore the comments he makes about my clothes, leaving the home business and so on. This man needs a 101 on how to not be insecure in a relationship because not only is it ruining our life as a couple but his mental health too. Further, our family life is also getting affected. We have two beautiful children and I don’t want us to be fighting in front of them. What should I do? Please help me. How to deal with insecurities in a relationship?
From the expert:
Ans: Changes are hard but they are inevitable in life. They can stoke insecurities in us all. Sometimes we don’t even know the different types of insecurities we may have until we are faced with the challenges that a change has brought with it. Understanding the root cause of the behavior, however, in no way is an excusing license for it. It should help you not take personally his inability to deal with the psychological challenges that this change in life has thrown his way. We all have our psychological challenges and our unique ways of dealing with them.
When it comes to figuring out how to deal with insecurity in a relationship, here’s my take. If I were you, I would hold my ground and continue to work and try really hard to not let his opinions bring me down. Perhaps, if he knew your workplace and workmates better, he would be more at ease with you going out.
That is not a guarantee but it may be worth a shot. Perhaps take him to your work once, for him to see where you work and what kind of people you work with. You could even call a select few of the people at home for coffee and snacks and let him generally socialize with them. Maybe even plan a fun double date with another couple from the office?
I would recommend that this must be done with the intention of helping abate his fears and insecurities as opposed to an act that was undertaken to help him get off your back. The focus and goal of intention are very important. It will help you deal with the outcomes of the experiment, whatever they might be. If this doesn’t cut it, I would suggest a few brief sessions in couple counseling. All the very best to you.
Related Reading: Miserable Husband Syndrome – Top Signs And Tips To Cope
How To Overcome Insecurity In A Relationship?
While feeling insecure in a relationship is natural and understandable, it is still not normal. If you have a partner who shows their insecure side a little too often, is starting to become controlling of your actions and is always questioning every single thing that you do — your relationship might be in need of a little help. Don’t fret, though.
Now that the expert has walked us through his idea of how to deal with insecurity in a relationship, Bonobology is here with a few additional tips to help you deal with this issue better. Thinking about how to get rid of insecurities in a relationship that are ruining it? Can’t stop wondering how to help someone who is insecure and is clearly struggling with this problem? Here are our two cents:
1. Communicate more
A lot of times, basic insecurity stems from a lack of information about the other person. Not being sure of where their significant other is going, what their friend circle is like and so on can make a person feel worried and insecure. It is possible that you don’t necessarily have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse, just an uninformed one.
The first and foremost step, in that case, is to improve communication in your relationship and have more open conversations. Give them more details about your day, get them to talk openly about their day and coworkers too. Once you slip into this routine of constantly keeping each other in the loop, it is possible that the insecurities will wane.
2. Low self-esteem can lead to feeling insecure in a relationship
How to help someone who is insecure in a relationship? Accept that perhaps you are in love with a woman or man with low-self esteem. Their insecurity stems from a place of fear and that fear is in respect to losing you completely. In order to truly be a good partner to them, bring your relationship back on track and get that zing and energy back into your relationship, you have to understand and fully comprehend this side of them.
Instead of lashing out at them for acting insecure, show a little empathy and try to recognize that it comes from a place of low self-worth and not hatred toward you. No matter how difficult it may feel right now, you are going to have to try to be the bigger person.
3. How to deal with insecurity in a relationship? Validate them
Now that you know that their self-esteem may be the root cause of this problem, the biggest thing that you can do as their spouse/partner is to validate them. Show them that they are worthy of love and deserve so much more. When they feel loved by you, it might alleviate their feelings of insecurity.
However, know that that is not the end of the line and the story doesn’t end here. If their insecurity is becoming truly exhausting, then you might have to encourage them to opt for counseling or therapy. Lucky for you, Bonobology has an expert panel of therapists who are only a click away.
Feelings of low self-esteem, feeling neglected in a relationship, anxiety and fear are only a few causes that can make someone start feeling insecure in a relationship.
Feeling insecure every now and then might be okay. But a perpetual state of insecurity can quickly make any relationship crumble. If that partner is willing to work on their insecure feelings, you might have a real shot at the relationship.
Work on yourself and your self-esteem. Try to occupy your mind with more important pursuits. A hobby, a yoga class, a new job or whatever it may be. Keep your mind occupied with other things that empower you and make you feel better.
Don’t disregard these feelings of jealousy or blame yourself for it. Know that it is coming from something deep down inside you that has gone unaddressed. Try to engage in active conversation with your partner, opt for counseling or try journaling and other techniques to be able to overcome these feelings.