My Husband Had Lost His Libido So I Turned To My School Friend

Priya Chaphekar
sad lady because of her husband

Like any other couple in their honeymoon period, my husband (then boyfriend) and I were drunk in love. I still remember the night we met – a winter wedding. A bonfire party. The aroma of toasted marshmallows. Acoustic music. Mushy weather. Giggles were followed by snuggles and before we knew, we were wrapped in one shawl. Our chemistry during the dating period was enviable. We didn’t let go of a single opportunity to make love. We did it everywhere. In the elevator, the parking garage and the movies, on the bed, the beach and the kitchen counter. We kissed senselessly in filthy washrooms and on the carpet of a lavish suite with equally remarkable intensity. We were way too distracted to care.

(As told to Priya Chaphekar)

After Marriage Everything Changed

Two years later we got married and the tower of lust came crashing down. Yes, the first few months were full of action, but the fruit was no more forbidden. We could eat it whenever we wanted to. So sometimes it was overripe, sometimes it shrunk like a raisin and the rest of the times it sat in the fridge, losing its divine essence with every passing day. I could walk naked around the house and my beloved husband would no more feel the need to grab me by my waist and pin me down. The chase had clearly ended.

Next up I started reading listicles on lifestyle websites and magazine features about “How to rejuvenate the spark after marriage?”, “Have your New Year steamed”, “What does your man want?”, “8 ways to make lust last”. I spent a bomb on sexy lingerie, which by the way was exceedingly uncomfortable, perfumes and body butter. But nothing helped.

I’m not sure if it’s the age difference or our timing, but our sex life went from dramatic to dull in just a few years. Sex life, not love life. We were still in love. We travelled to explore the unexplored, surprised each other on special occasions and showered and cuddled together at night. But he was no more the wild boy I fell in love with under a moonlit sky. It was kind of a sexless marriage now.

Related Reading: She doesn’t feel like making out but her husband is always ready

He wanted less, I wanted more

When my husband’s libido was dwindling rapidly, mine was swelling like a rising tide. I began pleasuring myself under a hot shower and under the quilt on nights when I was alone at home.

extramarital affair

Then I realised I functioned better after hitting the big O. I didn’t want to be one of those frustrated women who needed to ‘get laid’ to overcome their crankiness, so I turned to the props I’d tucked away in my pop-coloured sandook. No longer did I have to make my husband a drink to get him in the mood or go in for a supremely painful Brazilian wax appointment every month. I could take care of my own needs.

Well, so I thought until I ran into Karan, my friend from school, at the grocery store. We reconnected with each other on social media. A week down the line we were already flirting with each other. His ‘good mornings’ meant more to me than sunshine itself even as I hungrily gobbled his compliments – on the colour of my skin, the shape of my lips and the curve of my waist. Karan’s sweet words reassured me that I was still smokin’ hot even in my early 30s.

Related reading: 6 reasons why women have an affair

On one hand, was my husband I loved so dearly and on the other was Karan, who I knew was capable of kissing every inch of my skin, making me feel like a modern-day Aphrodite.

Would it be fair for Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love to plead a man to make love to her? No, it wouldn’t. So one day, when Karan invited me home for a cup of coffee, I went and things turned out just the way I wanted them to.

The fun is back in my life

I don’t remember the last time I quivered when a guy planted wet kisses on my neckline or gently slid his nimble fingers up my back to unhook my bra, the last time when I stayed in bed after making love, sipping coffee and sharing a smoke, the last time a man-made me feel oh-so-beautiful.

I know this is wrong in many ways, but then it’s also wrong to suppress your needs and keep feeling yourself under the blanket day after day. Waiting for your partner to get an erection seems as forever as your crush’s reply. Loving yourself is good, but if someone is willing to love you too, maybe you could give them a chance?

Loving yourself is good, but if someone is willing to love you too, maybe you could give them a chance?

At your own risk, though.

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Hridaan May 15, 2018 - 12:21 pm

I quite agree with Deb Chatterjee, infidelity cannot be a solution to the problem you are facing. From what you state, your husband seems to be suffering from a medical condition. And like any other disease, sexual malfunction also deserves care and cure.

What if you contracted some illness that makes you refrain some sex? Will you agree to your husband straying?

Deb Chatterjee April 9, 2018 - 11:11 am

Quite frankly, your extra marital affair with Karan is unforgivable. If you wanted to have sex to satisfy your needs, you could have chosen the following options:

(a) talk to your husband about your high demand and his lie libido which is sexually dissatisfying. You should have brought up the subject to having sex with someone else if he fully consented. You did not take that step.

(b) if he did not agree, then you could have asked for divorce on the grounds of sexual incompatibility. The Supreme Court of India has already ruled in favor of the woman/man in such cases.

(c) you could have tried medical counseling and husband could have taken drugs like Viagra or Cialis to
have long lasting erection.

Now the three options above do not involve cheating. But other options, like you having addictive sex with Karan and then not telling your low-libido husband is pure immoral and cheating. Perhaps you and many other cheaters like you are so greedy that you have been robbed of all shame.

Vinay Kataria
Vinay Kataria June 17, 2018 - 12:50 am

Moral policing blah blah blah….Life always give you so many options but you should opt the one you feel for. If being with Karan is that option, so be it. It may have it’s own flip side which don’t only limit to your life but to others associated with you but it’s the chance you take for your happiness or needs.
You Don’t always make a choice thinking about future but at times you just want to live in that moment.
Enjoy the time while it last.

Deb Chatterjee June 17, 2018 - 10:17 am

@Vinay Kataria

It is moral policing, true. What I am opting for here is that if you cheat you better hide it good and take it to your grave.

Because you and me both live in a society that has rules and expectations. We both pay our fair share of taxes to run the society. (At least I do.) So all else being equal, I would expect that if I lead a moral life and do my justified part, you cannot just wisk your way and engage in sexual escapades, and claim that you be worshipped as a macho hero for bedding and banging many women because of your high libido. That’s an unfair treatment. If you get away scot free, I end up paying for your immorality.

The proposal is that if it is found out that you are a cheater, you should be subject to public shaming. Because I or others like me can not tolerate such nonsense. It is like being the member of an elite club, where members are obligated by some rules. Being a member has privileges and responsibilities. No privileges without responsibilities. So if you break rules you forfeit your membership. That’s why public shaming is necessary. Fair enough?

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