Counselling

My husband is openly having an affair

He says they have not slept together so why is he cutting me out of his life
upset woman seated on stairs

Question:

Hello Ma’am,

My husband is emotionally involved with a female colleague (now his ex-colleague). She used to share her marital problems with my husband and also told him about her affair with a colleague at work. When she wanted to end that affair, this person threatened to upload intimate pics of them together. Playing the role of the damsel in distress to the hilt she managed to win my husband’s sympathies. Perhaps my husband too felt like a hero and needed to rescue this helpless damsel.

My husband works for an MNC in Kolkata while I stay with our kids in another city. It was decided mutually that I would stay with our kids and do up the property I had inherited from my mother. We understood that my husband might need to shift cities due to his job. We stayed together for a year in Kolkata during which time I noticed subtle changes in him. He preferred sleeping with the kids, disconnected calls midway, went to bed early saying he was tired but would WhatsApp discreetly instead. He avoided intimacy, hardly conversed with me which left me feeling depressed and lonely. Weekends were spent with the in-laws, which worsened matters in terms of intimacy. I was beginning to feel I had no say in our marriage and was being taken for granted.

So, when it was agreed that I would move back to my home state, I was only relieved and strangely happy. My husband used to visit us every 2-3 months and during one such visit, he confessed that he was getting emotionally involved with her and it was creating problems with his boss and the entire office gossiped about them as being a couple. Things worsened between us with time as he wouldn’t let me touch his mobile and would speak secretly to this lady from the terrace or away from me.

I had a major confrontation with him and threatened divorce with even our parents getting involved. During this time I called up his boss to reconfirm if there indeed was an affair or was I imagining it all. His boss told me it was a mutual affair and that they had been warned about it. After this, I stopped taking calls from my husband and in-laws for a week. My husband sent me messages, expressing remorse at the turn of events and told me he never slept with this lady. He made me call her and clear things up even with her husband.

In the meantime, my husband requested a transfer to a neighbouring city which enables him to spend the weekends with us. Now my worry is he has a new job and is moving back to Kolkata where it all started. He still speaks to her but tends to delete all records of their conversations. I am generally right about people and this lady is one with lose morals. Although married with a child, she not only had an affair with an office colleague but also told my husband that she was forced to spend the night with a senior from the company by her last boss. So, what would prevent her from dragging my husband into a sexual fling. Nothing right?

Related reading: Does an emotional affair count as ‘cheating’?

Relationship counselling

Avani Tiwari says:

Dear Lady,

Last question first…

What would prevent her from having sexual affair with your husband? Only your husband… if he decides to.

If not, there is no way you can do much.

You should sit with your husband and talk about things in a non-confrontational way. Get someone to be with you if you will be more comfortable that way. Remind your husband that you and kids are his responsibility. Legally, financially, socially and more importantly, emotionally.

Your family members can also intervene if needed. Meanwhile, it would be a good idea to do some introspection and find out what is the state of your relationship. If you are also relieved at not having to put up with him then you should examine your feelings in detail.

Do you really want him as your life partner or you are just claiming what you think should be yours? Emotions can’t be chained, not legally, not morally. Find out what you want from this relationship and why. It would be better if you can talk to a trusted friend or family member or get professional help for your own self. Empowering yourself is the way to go.

All the best,

Avani

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