I have been married since one year. My first day at my in-laws’ place, I woke up at seven am. My MIL scolded me for waking late. I became tense. Then next day onwards she wanted me to do all the chores. For two months I did all the cleaning, cooking without any help. She didn’t allow me to go out with my husband. I have grown up in a family where we had domestic staff for doing chores and my father always took us out when we wanted to go out.
I realise now that my husband’s family consider me their servant. This has left me depressed. When I complained to my husband, he said, “It’s your duty to do all work. I want my mother to take rest.” I lost all hope.
One day I went to my parents and told my parents everything. They said, “You need to go back to your in-laws.”
My husband came and picked me up. He said he really loves me. After all that, things didn’t change. My MIL still does not allow me to go out with my husband. She always wants me at home for cooking/cleaning, etc.
I have lot of dreams for my marriage; like having a cup of coffee at a coffee shop together, seeing a film with him at the theater, a ride on bike… but nothing like that is going to happen. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. How do I make my dreams come true if no one supports me?
Related reading: Why I became happier when I stopped trying to please my in-laws
Dr. Gaurav Deka says:
Before I jump into the solution of how to get out of this mess, I want you to understand something. We all live in some kind of a triangle. A triangle that consists of three angles – three roles rather:
1. The victim
2. The perpetrator
3. The rescuer
And irrespective of whatever is going on in our lives, we are somewhere or the other, stuck in a drama. Drama demands roles. These three roles are the classical roles which keep flip-flopping. This triangle, therefore, is called the Drama Triangle. You need to understand that right now you are in the ‘victim’ role.
In fact, to be in the victim role is the easiest option. A victim can be passive and can complain, hence it doesn’t require active action. If you are the victim, that makes your MIL the perpetrator. Your husband could be the potential rescuer, but in this case, he isn’t being one. But can you actually wait for a fabled rescuer? Perhaps not!
The universe around you will perhaps take away your happiness, your desires, your dreams, and hopes. What it will not take from is your free will. So yes, exercise that: answer back and tell your MIL that this is not how you would choose to function.
Tell your husband and MIL about your choices. By choices, I mean statements like: I refuse to accept this/I choose not to be a part of this conversation/I choose not to follow whatever you demand of me. Say “NO’ and express your choice, because your choice is the only reminder of your free will. And free will is the only tool by exercising which you will be able to get out of this drama triangle.
Until you get out, this loop of complaints will continue, because MIL will never stop being a perpetrator and you wouldn’t stop being a victim.
All the best,