So what if I have married and reproduced?
Does that mean I should suddenly become a human robot and stop living for myself?
I haven’t committed any grave crime that I should receive such cold acceptance.
Growing up in a strictly restrictive environment with the constant buzzing of ‘no’, I dreamt of marriage as the liberating force. Thus, when my marriage got fixed to a man living outside my hometown, I was in seventh heaven!
Poor me! After marriage I’ve found myself in the same controlled environment that I wished to break free of. It has become worse after childbirth. Gradually I’ve been woken from my dream, as I found my man to be, not completely, but yes, largely different from my expectations.
The first thing that struck me is his obsession with his self-image. At the slightest error on my part he bursts into anger. He feels embarrassed because
• I lack all the qualities of an ‘adarsh bahu’ unlike his mother and sisters. I don’t know how to cook, how to save and manage the home.
• I’m the most imperfect mother he has come across. I cannot tame my hyperactive son. I’m not able to teach him values and so on.
• Even though I’m educated I lack dress sense. I cannot speak properly. Shall I walk, talk or eat English?
All these reasons are a justification for the shackles I should be bound to. Even my breath seems to be controlled! I cannot complain of the monotony of my 24*7 working life.
I cannot ask for traveling or shopping! Neither can I demand love, the cosiness, or some pampering to cheer myself up. After all I’m a mother and I should learn to sacrifice and take pain.
In addition, my dear husband blames me for the bad phase in his career he has been going through since marriage. He indirectly holds me responsible. He is very fond of this blame game and never leaves a stone unturned to criticise, taunt and ridicule me.
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As women are usually conditioned to eat humble pie, I too, had started feeling guilty. I’m now a wife first and my husband should be happy and satisfied because of me. However, motherhood is giving me life’s biggest lessons.
Related reading: 7 tips to make marriages work
Now, I realise the importance of preventing further negative vibrations affecting me. Marriage is definitely a huge and challenging task, but it should be undertaken by both the husband and the wife. Moreover, it can be kept simple and enjoyable, provided both understand and care for each other. The same principle works for child raising too.
How I wish to break the teeth of those who wryly comment,
“You should remain silent when your husband is all fire!” (Can’t I get angry, too?) or,
“Look after your son and your husband properly since you are always at home!” (Being at home doesn’t mean I only sleep and eat!)
Unfortunately, my husband supports these views.
I too wish to enjoy the limitless sky and fly like free birds. Marriage and having a baby should not be chains; they should motivate a person. So to save myself, as well as to teach my husband a lesson, I have decided to try out patience and perseverance. A relationship should be cherished and celebrated and by no means will I surrender.
In this age of relationships falling apart I don’t want to travel that way. It has become so commonplace. After all, when the journey gets tough the tough get going.
I will wait for the right moment to prove him that he too makes mistakes. Everything bad doesn’t happen just because of me. You take me to an astrologer to minimise the distance in our relationship. However, if you carefully and calmly observe, you remain too worried and busy with your work. I too have work to do but at least as we retire for the day we can spend a few minutes with each other. We do have a son but unless we give each other some time we cannot reduce the gap.
Isn’t bursting an inflated balloon exciting? I too hope to burst his inflated ego. It will take time but it will surely happen. I believe in a miraculous intervention which will set me free and improve our relationship.
Published in Married Life