Counselling

I fear that he wants physical relations with me

I can't stop thinking of the married man I am close to, but I want I stop as I suspect he wants to get physical
Distracted woman

Question:

Hello Mallika Ma’am,

I want to tell you my whole story!

It all began when I was in 10th standard. He was my mom’s Rakhi brother and I did not speak to him much beyond basic greetings. I had to select my subject for class 11 and as he is an engineer I asked him about subject selection and all.

Gradually we started chatting about politics as elections were going on. Our phone chats carried on, he sent forwards and messages often. He started sharing all his sorrows and joys too. Soon he got married and as he was my maternal uncle I did all the work that I could at his marriage. But, I had got addicted to chatting with him.

Everything was well then even then. After some time he came to know of his wife’s affair and from then on he started to share everything with me; about the affair, about all other problems in his life.

I moved to Indore for higher studies and our chats declined, meanwhile, he became a father.

But then, he came to Indore to meet me. I always thought I shouldn’t be with him. He took me on rides, kissed me, hugged me. I was falling for him but felt guilty about him being married. I used to cry since we could not talk much.

But the problem is that somehow I feel he wants physical relations with me and I fear that. I want to end all this and carry on. At the same time, I am so confused with his thoughts. All day and all night I live with his thoughts, which I shouldn’t. Please help me think this clearly.

Related reading: 15 tips to stop dating a married man

Relationship counselling

Mallika Pathak says:

Dear young girl,

I must begin with telling you that I appreciate your seeking help at the right time. I understand that you’re in a tough situation right now, but I’m glad to be of help if it supports you in coming out of it.

The first and fundamental point here is that, he is your ‘Uncle’. He has been introduced in your family as your mother’s brother. I’m sure there is an obvious age gap between the two of you as well. That being said, it is important to understand that the age at which your interactions with him started. Late teens are a difficult age for everyone. It’s that confusing age where suddenly you feel a surge of hormones, and to add to it, a want for a special type of attention. You received that attention from him at the time, and it’s not unnatural that you started to want more of it.

Secondly, he is a married man, a father of a child. He has certain responsibilities towards the family that is legally his. It is not unknown that an affair with an already committed or married person almost always spells out bad news for most of the people involved. It is best to avoid this, as the guilt and chaos that will follow because of this, will be much more consuming than the guilt you’re experiencing right now.

Lastly, his coming to meet you to Indore, chatting with you incessantly, taking you on rides, and even trying to initiate physical interactions in the form of something that is seemingly harmless, a kiss, a hug; it is indicative of the fact that he does expect further physical intimacy from you. It is not appropriate to think about, keeping your emotions as a central decisive factor. Given the fact that he is experiencing some difficulties in his married life, he may be trying to fill up that void by engaging in a relationship with you. Remember, this will not help either one of you in the long term.

Relationships are complicated, but this relationship is certainly not something that you should pursue as a long-term relationship, keeping in mind all the circumstances that are attached with it. You are young, and I’m positive that the right person will come to you, and will make you feel all these great things and more. It is advisable to distance yourself from this person for the time being.

I would strongly recommend meeting with a therapist to deal with your emotions and your thoughts.

If I had had to summarise my response, I’d say that investing in this relationship will only mean further bad news for you. Save yourself from it and leave as early as you can.

I wish you all the luck!

Mallika

 

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