I forced him to marry me and now I am in a loveless marriage

Question:

Hi ma’am,

I was in a committed relationship for seven long years. Earlier we resided in the same city but due to family problems, I had to move to another state. Our relationship became long distance and I did not come to know when his feelings changed because he was his usual self with me. We used to meet once or twice in a year.

But he was having an affair. This went on for two-three years and his family did not tell me about it as they thought the news will mess me up. When I found out, his family supported me and told him to marry me. He refused. He rejected me in front of everyone. That was the worst day of my life.

He said that initially he was just doing TP (time pass) with her and she also was aware that he has a steady girlfriend.
But over time they actually grew close and he chose her over me. He was even ready to leave his family for her. His parents constantly supported me and forced him to marry me and we got married just for the sake of respect and society.

I have been married for one year now and my husband is still in touch with his girlfriend. They are still not ready to forget each other.  They still meet. When I ask him, he says, ‘you were aware that I like her, why did you agree to marry me! Now don’t expect anything from me.’

Both of them tried a lot to torture me mentally before marriage but I anyhow managed to get married, because I couldn’t wait for karma to punish them. They both ruined my life; my family, friends, everyone was aware of our relationship. What would I have said to everyone, why we broke up?

Also, I was deeply in love with him. I still am. That girl, his girlfriend, she is a cheap fraud, she only wants money and sex! She is an ugly witch.
But my husband doesn’t understand! As per him, she is the victim and I am the culprit. He cannot hear a single word against her, as per him she is innocent, so whatever I want to say I can say to him, not to her… But for me, both are equally responsible for whatever happened…

I don’t know what to do now, I fight for my self-respect, I cannot just pass on my love to that terrible woman! I got married so that my relation can get a name and I get a chance to get things back to how they were before, but after seeing how the past one year has gone, even after showing full dedication towards him and his family, I am still unable to make him mine. I don’t know what to do. I am dying for love and he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t take me out, doesn’t talk with me.

He is not even feeling guilty about anything that he did. As per him, I am wrong and both of them are right.

I am tired of trying as there is no response, planning to get separated now because survival is not possible now…please advise…

Answer:

Dear Lady,
I can imagine how horrible it is to see your share of love being given to someone else.

But in this case, I’m afraid you walked into this trap yourself. You had lost him way before he was forced to get married to you. What were you expecting to change? It doesn’t matter how that girl is; the fact is that he chose her over and over again, and then he was forced to spend his life with you. Of course he’ll resent the whole thing and not care. It’s not your fault, but you made a wrong choice.

Why do you say “What would I have said to everyone, why we broke up”? Why couldn’t you have told everyone that he cheated on you and that’s why you ended it? Why were you embarrassed to admit HIS mistake?

Then you chose an even worse fate for yourself? You say, “I anyhow managed to get married, because I couldn’t wait for karma to punish them” – what were you expecting would happen? That like movies he will suddenly magically realise that she is a money minded vamp and come crying to you? Real life does notwork like films, my dear. All that has happened has made him feel that life was unfair to him. He is now resentful and bitter and is upset about not being able to be with her.

Understand, I’m not saying he’s not at fault or that you are somehow wrong. I’m merely trying to make you see that sometimes one needs to think beyond ideal emotions and “right things” and take practical decisions. I think your decision to separate seems like the best choice right now. It’s time you got your self-esteem back and found yourself again. You need to get out of this cycle of hurt and start a fresh life. It doesn’t matter what happens to them; what matters is what YOU make of your life now.

Get yourself back! All the best!

Prachi