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I hate her still

rose in a womans hand

I am trying hard to come out of my present problem and make peace with situation.

Situation – My wife cheated on me repeatedly. I decided to forgive her. I continue to live with her. Yet, sometimes I feel is it the right decision?

I am not able to decide whether to be the good guy or be the revengeful guy!

One day I feel it’s not all her fault and I should let bygones be bygones.

At other days, I feel like an Idiot and a fool.

A year and 9 months have passed since the day I stumbled across the proof of her cheating. Yet the pain is yet to heal. Will it ever heal? Will I ever get closure in life.

Yesterday I heard the song that used to be our anthem in our courtship days- Tum se mil ke, aisa laga tum se milke, armaan hue purey dil ke.( Meeting you, After meeting you I felt all my desires of heart have been fulfilled).

I used to fill up with love whenever I used to listen to this song. But this time….. I felt as if she had polluted everything that was pure between us. I felt like a fool who believed in our pure love. Instead of feeling happy, the song evoked disgust within me – for myself and for her.

The whole life feels like a sham. 20 years of marriage feels wasted.

Had it not been our two children, I would have left her long back. The problem is life goes on and keeps adding new baggage. I was always active in an NGO. I am now head of that NGO. I have responsibilities towards people …. I can’t just drop everything and run away.

Yet, I wish I could.

She is due for promotion in her organisation. She pretends as if nothing was ever amiss in our relationship. Maybe she wants to make believe in this . But for me, it is torture. I know life must limp back to normalcy. But one part of me wants her to suffer like anything…

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