Achint Kaur has always been an artiste who stands out for her looks, acting and her attitude to life. Here she talks about some things her past relationships have taught her.
How did your relationships change you as a person?
Every relationship changes you. My relationships have taught me that I lack self-worth.
I allowed them to treat me in a certain way because I lacked self-worth. And I needed to work on it.
If I don’t respect myself, how can I expect anyone else to respect me?
The most important part in my relationships has been my friendship with the man. More than the hurt of breaking up in a man-woman relationship is the hurt of being cheated in that friendship in every which way. There was no perspective from which I wasn’t cheated. So I learnt to distrust. I tell myself that I’m vulnerable and immature and when I talk to a person, I keep wondering if what he/she is saying is real or made-up. But then this whole thing became difficult and I thought come what may, I shall continue to be vulnerable; I shall still be a fool, and will always fly free.
When a woman is as strong, independent and glamorous as you are, does this pose a challenge in a man-woman relationship?
It does, because half your life goes in figuring out who wears the pants. If you give each other space, respect, and expect a little less from one another, and take your relationship more to the level of friendship, then it will all work very well.
I struggled a lot in my relationships. I always thought one would remain friends. So there was always a cord attached. With my last relationship also, the cord was attached until I realised that the life I was leading for the last 18 years was a lie. I couldn’t accept the fact that I had been cheated as a friend.
Related reading: How do I look beyond the indignity of being cheated?
And I got to know about this cheating after I broke up with him.
I would cry, talk, ask for help from friends and people I knew. It’s then you realise who your real friends are. You only want to be heard, after all. You don’t seek any other help. Two people made a lot of difference in my life – Charu Anand who lives in the same building as I do – we talked a lot and she brought me out of it. She heard me out. She didn’t judge me. I was repetitive all the time in letting out my woes.
And a male friend I recently met. He’s a soul who came in and completely distracted me from the whole situation and the zone I was in. I opened up and spoke about things I never thought I would speak about; never knew they existed inside of me. I discovered myself. But this entire process took me a year and a half. I travelled a lot but that’s all temporary, because you go and you come back to the same situation. I abused my body, lost 17 kilos, cried, holed up in my room for five months feeling sorry for myself. But I knew I had to come out of this.
Getting out of a relationship is not just about one man but about so many other people that it takes a toll on you.
And so after 26 years I began flirting once again. Now I am in a good space. I’m working on myself. I didn’t know what depression was.
Related reading: When my husband was diagnosed with manic depression
Now I know, I’ve been through it and gotten out and will use it someday in my work. I found my son in this mess: a blessing, a man who stood by me like a pillar.
Life now is so beautiful. I’m in a happy zone. I feel light, on my toes, am opening up, opportunities are coming by; people come and tell me that I look good. I do feel a bit wounded emotionally, but I shall be out of it. I feel it; I suffer it, and then come out of it. That’s what I tell people.
Don’t shove it under the carpet. Go through it. Only then will you know what the universe is trying to teach you.
Life is very beautiful. I work out, diet and feel truly detached, for the very first time, and very healthily so, not in a negative way. I’m a little selfish for myself, but I like it.