I wish I was a lesbian

Urmimala Das

I wish I was a lesbian! Many times such a thought strikes me. Despite being from a very conservative society, I’m quite sure (99%) about my sexuality. I was attracted to males at 16 and even today my sexuality compels me to gaze at a male body only. But still, there are those 1% of occasions where I’m not sure about my sexuality, as some facts provoke me to think about myself newly and from different angles.

Our society inhibits our sexuality

Indian society doesn’t encourage Indian men and women to explore their sexuality. Specially, most Indian women accept their bodies as property of someone else. A girl is born to devote her body to a man and nobody can think of something else rather than this situation. I belong to the same socio-cultural atmosphere. My upbringing wasn’t any different. Hence, whenever such a wish enters my mind, I get confused about my sexuality. Was bisexuality already in my character or is it an attitude that has arisen from gender based discrimination? Being a logical person, I always analyse myself. I hope my analysis will help others to realise their sexuality, which is the most important part of one’s identity.

Whenever I’m in a relationship, I always try to be loyal and devoted. Knowingly or unknowingly, I start to expect the same from the other. Expectations bring complications to a relationship.

It’s always very tough for me to understand a man’s psychology.

At the same time, it is equally hard for my partner to catch my thoughts and expectations. I can’t separate love and sex. Most probably, biology compels me.

For me, whether it is just friendship or a relationship with the opposite sex, most of the time it ends in an unfriendly way. But my friendship with a female always goes well.

My understanding level with a female is so high that she always remembers me as a true well-wisher, a loving and caring friend.

Here, the thought comes again, if I was a lesbian my life would have been easier, better and I might have a wonderful relationship of mutual understanding and cooperation.

A few days ago I read a collection of poetry, The First Beautiful Woman in the World, a translation of Ulakin Azhakiya Muthal Penn (in Tamil), written by Chennai based poet, filmmaker, and activist Leena Manimekalai. In this poetry collection, she penned her thoughts as a bisexual woman. She had to face a lot of abuse on social media after publishing the book.

Leena Manimekalai is open about her sexuality, for which she’s widely criticised and abused on social media.

Acceptance is crucial

Though one’s sexuality is a personal matter, we haven’t yet learnt to accept this. That is why often we live with different identities, going against our own souls, or remain in a state of confusion. Social acceptance plays a major role here, as we don’t dare ignore it.

I know, and nobody can disagree, that the variations of sexuality were there from the beginning of civilization. When we go through our mythologies, we meet many such exceptional characters which prove this fact.

In the Mahabharata, Arjun’s transformation to Brihanalla as a woman is just one such example. So it’s not something very new that is coming out today or it’s not the contribution of Western culture as some people say.

It’s a part of human life, as well as of the animal world.

I have come across many females in my life who not only admire me for being what I am today, but also want to be in my life as a soul mate. Many of them are such wonderful human beings that it hurts to ignore or reject them. Maybe my life would have been better if I’d given myself a chance to explore my sexuality at the right time. After all, we live this life only once and we all have the right to be happy in our own way without harming others.

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1 comment

Among January 24, 2018 - 12:53 am

I wish I could help you in your problems. I understand it firmly.
I don’t know if you want me to help you . But I am eager to help you at your problem. And of course if you are reading this I hopeto get a reply from you. Thanks

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