Struggles and Scars

I’m abused by my wife and daughters but have nowhere else to go

He has a responsible job and a reputation, but at home he is the subject of daily emotional and physical abuse by his wife and daughters
woman abused man

(As told to Joie Bose)

My wife throws things at me and it is not funny

Whenever people talk of domestic violence, they always by default think it’s always the women who are subject to it. It doesn’t happen like that in my house. I am the Principal of a fairly famous city school and I have a lot of power outside my home. At home, I am completely helpless. However funny it might seem when you hear this, trust me, it is not. My wife is really violent. She throws her slippers, the remote or even the spatula in her hand while cooking. I have three daughters, and they side with their mother. When I ask her to be not violent, they perceive this as me being dominant. I’m scared of them. My gender is my weakness now.

Last Friday, I came home a little late. There was a management meeting with the board and we were discussing an increase in fees and salaries. They had ordered dinner and I ate. Unfortunately for me, I had forgotten to let my wife know. I was sweating in fear as I walked up the stairs. When I entered the house, my wife and daughters turned to look at me, turning from the terrible television mega serial they are all addicted to.

Related reading: Our marriage is being destroyed because my wife is a shopaholic

The inquisition because I was late home

Wife: You ate and came?

Me: Yes. The management had ordered dinner.

Daughter 2: What did you eat, Papa?

Me: Mutton thali.

Wife: Again you didn’t let me know? Am I your servant?

Daughter 1: Papa, you could have let Ma know. She works so hard after you. Did you even get her medicines?

Me: No dear, it was a tough day. Home wasn’t in my mind. There was the open house in the morning, and teachers’ meeting in the evening followed by the management meeting. Parents were wanting to meet me…

Daughter 3: Wanting? Who made you Principal? Your English is so pathetic. Say, parents wanted to meet me.

Daughter 1: Papa, that’s your job. Tough days come, why do you fuss? If you can’t handle this you can stay at home. Ma doesn’t need your money to sustain us. So don’t trouble yourself if you can’t manage.

Me: You don’t know anything. So I suggest you don’t make statements such as these.

Wife: What do they not know? That I get 2 lakh as interest every month? That I can hire a cook but I don’t, just because you like my cooking?

Me: Your money remains in the account. It’s my account that gets diminished. And your cooking is not that great, so do hire a cook.

Wife: You B@$%@%D!!!! (She threw the remote at me.)

Daughter 1: Whenever you come home, you just make the atmosphere so terrible.

Daughter 3: I hope you die soon.

Related reading: Are you a man facing abuse?

Nobody cares about my feelings

No one asks me how my day went. No one cares. Yet I go on doing my duty. My daughters have all been brainwashed and have been turned against me. My wife always talks of how she has sacrificed her career to raise my family, but I wonder what a 10th pass lady could do, career-wise. I wanted her to continue studying, but she never had the brains or the time. Her father had a hosiery factory and she gets a cut from there. Her brothers made fun of my education and salary and hence I don’t talk to them. The fact that I am a Principal is not something anyone in this family is proud of. My daughters suggested I join that business as well. I don’t want to.

Why do I stay in the marriage?

I came to this city from Allahabad where I grew up when I first got a job as a Geography teacher in 1988. My family is still in Allahabad. They were quite against me getting married to my wife, who was the daughter of my landlord. My father didn’t like the fact that these people were businessmen. That was when they stopped talking to me. No one from my family came for my wedding. I was intrigued by my wife’s beauty. Forty kilos and 30 years ago, she was stunning.

I have often thought of leaving them, but this would not suit my profile. A Principal’s private life is always under the scanner.

I have often thought of leaving them, but this would not suit my profile. A Principal’s private life is always under the scanner.

I don’t love my wife. I am just besotted by my second daughter, who despite the brainwash, keeps on silently supporting me. Apart from her, I have no one else who is even remotely fond of me. My parents have died. My only sister lives in the US and has no reason to come here. I am not reason enough, you see. That is why I just keep on coming back to this same house, this same wife and this same abuse – year after year. I have bruises on my body, I have bruises in my heart, but I have nowhere else to go.

Why can’t we admit to being abused, in our country?

I know I’m being abused but I live in hope

Men can be harassed and abused in a marriage too

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