Is it OK to imagine someone else during sex with husband? If that gives the most pleasurable orgasm?
-F, 40, New Delhi
Sex and sexuality do not necessarily manifest themselves as desires that would be considered proper by the “polite” society. The very act of sex is complex and executed through a very complicated neurocircuitry. We do not know much about it, to say the least. What we do know is that trying to find the roots of our desires is beneficial, but nowhere as close as when we work on acceptance of our sexual selves as it is. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement or a command to act out all our fantasies, especially when they can potentially harm and hurt us and/or our sexual partners. Acceptance simply means that I stop judging myself for being a certain way and stop asking the berating questions like “Why me?” “Why do I have to be like that?” The journey of acceptance feels great when you go from, “Why me” to “It is me.”
Even having accepted ourselves it is okay to feel that we cannot be completely vulnerable and honest about our sexual desires and needs. We live in a society where respect is inversely proportional to the honest display of one’s sexual self. So, if I were you, I would not feel guilty about achieving orgasms the way my body best knows how. Whether to talk to your husband about your fantasies or not, it is entirely a decision that you have to make, considering whatever you know about his personality.