Sex between a man and woman could be great – provided you get between the right man and woman. – Woody Allen
Till I was 19, I was more familiar with the different parts of Madurai than my own body. Then, came along Shalini Menon who changed everything. Her father owned a Videocassette store (way back in 1995, VCDs and DVDs weren’t available) from where she stole a membership card and gave it to me as a birthday gift on April 26, 1995.
I don’t remember the first time I had actual sex – primarily because they didn’t give receipts back then. All I remember is that I was drunk and was in an apartment in Mumbai.
Unfortunately, it is a very addictive game. I warn those of you who are yet to play the game. Try out cocaine instead. It is cheaper and you can give up whenever you want.
When back in Madurai – which is a lot more conservative and one needed to be friends with a flashy pimp to get anywhere – I was forced to try out phone sex. I had to stop it when I realized that getting a girlfriend was cheaper. Besides, I also got an infection due to too much of phone sex, and with different partners. I still wonder if I can label it STD – Sexually Transmitted Disease.
By 1997, I had a girlfriend of my own. For the next two years, I paid emotionally for sex. Quite a price, if you ask me.
With time I realized that sex was all about being in the right situation. If you were a man, you didn’t need a situation…just a place was enough. But if you were a woman…a lot of factors contributed to the trigger. To present a metaphor to the Ouchmytoe readers, sex for women is like fire. For it to begin… one needs to provide the right amount of oxygen (money), fuel (money) and the spark to ignite (money). If you notice after the fire is over…nothing remains.
Maybe that’s why the US-based comedian Alonzo Bodden has this famous quote listed against his name: “They are working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? It has been around for 100s of years – it is called cash.”
I think, like phone sex, I had to give up my first girlfriend because of cost factors. I am not too sure though…when you are an addict, your ability to reason and remember you reasoning comes down drastically. I am sure, all cocaine addicts out there will agree with me.
In 2000, I got involved with another lady. She was quite a personality – always on the wild side. We went steady for a year after which one small incident resulted in our break-up.
Once when her parents weren’t at home, and she had the keys to her father’s car she gave me a call.
“Yeah, Jammy here,” I remember saying.
‘I want to have sex in my father’s car.” She sounded husky.
“Can you drop by at 6 p.m.?” Her voice had dropped down to a whisper. She always did this to get the best out of me.
I agreed to come by and was in front of her house at 5.45 p.m. itself. In the next fifteen minutes, I would come to know that she wanted me to just drive the car around the city while she had sex in the backseat. Now, when I think back…I guess the guy’s name was Oh Yeah. For, I remember the girl repeating his name throughout the long drive.
It took me a while to realize that I had been dumped. A man can get into a cocoon on such occasions. There are different phases that a man has to undergo to come out of such cocoons and one of them is being a part of self-help groups. Since I had a feeling I had become impotent, I joined The Impotent Brothers in Arms (IBA) – a self-help group that operated in Chennai. I had to leave it after the moderator asked us to raise our hands if we disagreed to one of the points being discussed. I would have stayed back, if one of the heartless participants hadn`t remarked: “Thank God, you asked us to raise our hands.”
Having been through everything, I decided to get married. Today, I am a happily married man – which in other words means that I am not aware of the latest trends in the world of sex.
When I look back at 12 years of sex life…I can confidently say: “Yes! I have tried my hand at that.”
P.S: Picture for representational purposes only and it does not represent the author in this situation with Carried Bradshaw