Counselling

In-laws make me feel constantly at fault

All attempts at trying to "adjust" seem futile
sad lady in black and white background

Question:

Dear Ma’am,

There are lots of issues when a girl gets married. Moving to the husband’s house and things start with lots of encouragement to please everyone, to be the apple of everyone’s eyes, but gradually this engagement goes down when you are doubted for your actions and your pure intentions. No one wants a clean heart and a pure soul lady; rather they want a typical daughter-in-law [restrict] who can reflect the behaviour as of her mother-in-law and co-sister and sister-in-law. My question is, why we do not want good behaviour but want all stereotype actions which a new girl is expected to do after marriage, even when these things are spoiling all new relationships, affecting like a slow poison? I do not understand that why we can’t wait and think what changes a family also should inculcate for the new person coming into the house.

We all accept that marriage is a holy ritual; then why do things afterward become a punishment for women?

A girl is showing all respect towards her in-laws, trying to help her mother-in-law and others in every way, not demanding as per her past lifestyle rather trying to adjust in new life, but she hears suddenly her mother-in-law talking with someone about clothes which were gifted are not good or she hears that she has no manners and respect for elders as her dupatta slipped from the shoulder or her cooking is not good. What effect do these things have on the mind of a girl who was full of love and respect for the new family till now? One can go into depression or make life a compromise or these things leads to divorce and sucide sometimes. Tolerating all this nonsense becomes more difficult for an educated woman whose upbringing was not like a typical daughter, rather was like a free bird.

A humble request for all new in-laws or would be in-laws that please except the new lady as a human being first then try to tie the knot of relationships then you will realize that all relationships flourish on the ground of humanity.

relationship counselling

Neha Anand says:

Dear Lady,

I am glad you vented here.

I completely empathise with you and respect your overwhelming emotions. Reading your query I assume you have not asked any resolution; instead you [restrict]
have shared what you are going through. It’s unfortunate and a bitter truth in India that even in the 21st century, the daughter-in-law’s condition is cumbersome. You may call it a ritual which is intergenerational.

Find an ally in your husband

Girls are raised and conditioned in a way since childhood which makes them vulnerable, people pleasing and less expressive of their emotions. Let me tell you that exceptions are always there. You need to stand for your own self. What if you stop playing a victim and start expressing what you feel? Start with your husband and speak out your feelings.

Be assertive gradually

Every time if you try to please everyone, people would always expect you to act in the same manner. Be your true self, start communicating directly with your MIL about your preferences instead of conveying through your husband or anybody else. Learn a most valuable skill, assertiveness, and draw lines between response and reactions. Remember, you are not a super or sub human. Self love and self-respect are most important. If you know how to set boundaries for yourself and others, you can lead a healthy and respectful life.
You need to change to bring the change.

Stay blessed.

Neha Anand

[/restrict]

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