Last year I fell deeply in love with someone for the second time in my life. I thought she was the one. She was a Scorpio sun woman and I was Scorpio moon woman, because of this duality we both had an instant attraction and connected beautifully as she showered me with compliments and affection from our very first date itself. I felt ours was the perfect lesbian love story.
We gelled according to astrology
A Scorpio Sun is evolving in terms of manipulating people and only has an emotional exterior and the Scorpio moon is born with the same qualities of sensitivity, emotions and manipulation. At the same time, the sun sign is more prominent in people as it defines their personalities. So, whatever controlling attitude or emotions she was showing it could have been her way of simple manipulation.
Clearly she liked me a lot and she appreciated how confident I was. Yet, she didn’t reciprocate my love in the way I wanted. However hard I tried to win her heart I somehow always felt it was inadequate. I learned later, you never try too hard in love. If it’s bound to happen, it will happen.
I learned she was polyamorous
Many people belonging to the LGBTQ community are pansexual and polyamorous as well. She was comfortable with me as well as multiple other partners and lovers, mostly men and transgenders.
But I felt she loved me and I loved her too. She was controlling and later I realized she was emotionally abusive too. I was willing to go through everything because I loved her madly.
She ended the relationship and blocked me
She officially ended it after 4 months and blocked me. But I was still crazy about her. I went to Kolkata for The Kolkata Rainbow Pride Walk by train and it was my first long journey alone. I just wanted to see her. She had a transgender person with her who was quite friendly with me.
But she abused me. She hit me in public at the pride, with thousands of people around, including certain known seniors from my college who witnessed the whole incident.
She destroyed me. Literally. A part of me died that very day. That part will never be alive again.
I met someone online this time
A few months later, when I had at least physically recovered from the trauma and was able to walk around, attend college and do my daily chores another person found me via the Internet. We had WhatsApp conversations and phone talks, although I wasn’t that interested. But she was persistent.
Somehow she had to prove I had a crush on her and she was desperate to make the liking mutual. I clearly remember not being interested. She couldn’t emotionally satisfy me, fill the void I felt, ease the pain I was used to carrying around like a dead burden.
Even worse, I found myself helplessly manipulating her to make it seem like our liking for each other was mutual. As we kissed, I remember trembling and surrendering into her arms, I was scared, traumatized from my past scar. She was the ultimate ruler, a fiery Leo.
But commitment wasn’t happening
We both sought commitment, something that would be solid and long-lasting. But maybe she wasn’t the one I was looking for.
She truly fell in love with me. Her entire world revolved around me. I barely texted her and always made up excuses to avoid phone conversations. I would only respond to her 50 texts with one when I needed a friend.
I derived sadistic pleasure from her fall
The more I avoided her, the more she fell for me. Even worse, she was suffering from mental health issues and was under medication, just like my abusive ex. I wanted her to stop.
Stop being so nice, stop caring for me, stop loving me. I knew very well I wouldn’t be there to catch her. Yet it was fun, watching her fall in the exact same way I had fallen last year.
It was pleasurable.
I feel guilty
Finally, the day came, after a month. She threatened to take some antidepressants because I had refused to call her. Her best friend, her male friend, who cared for her very much, contacted me.
It was getting too stressful for me. I let her go the next afternoon. I was completely aware of the pain I had caused her. Yet, she kept on pleading. The only word she repeated relentlessly on the phone and on messenger was *Please*. She was helplessly pleading not to let her go. Yet I did.
I feel immensely guilty at times. I have developed polyamorous traits myself. I am all smiles during conversations with people, I can light up a room with my presence but no one notices the darkness inside me.