Counselling

I am in love with my colleague who already has a girlfriend

He says he doesn’t want to lose me but doesn’t breakup with her.
woman crying hiding ger face

Question:

Dear ma’am,

Hi, thanks for reading this.

I am very confused about what to do. I am 26 year old working in MNC. My boyfriend works with me. There was this connection between us from the very beginning. But I knew he was in a relationship so I didn’t do anything. Though we used to talk regularly about everything including his relationships. We both were aware of the mutual attraction.

Then it was a truth and dare game one night over chat. We accepted our feelings. I do love him. I wanted him to get out of his relationship if he wanted to be with me. He said his girlfriend has upcoming final exam. If he breaks up it will be devastating for her. Especially because it was not her fault. He promised me he would do it after her exam.

Now he is saying he may not be able to tell her anything. He also doesn’t want to lose me. I asked him about his relationship one day- his version is the girl liked him and proposed to him. He had no feelings for her. So he avoided her. She continued to pursue.

He called her mom one day and she was beaten. When he came to know that, he felt guilty. So he himself started to talk with her after some time. Now he says that girl was with him when his dad died. He couldn’t tell her that he is in love with me because his mom and her family knew and their relationship is not strong. They fight daily and she regularly blocks and unblocks him.

I know he loves me. But he doesn’t want to be those who forget their love when they are in a better position; he doesn’t want to be in a cliche affair and moving on with new girlfriend. He again feels guilty about this. Also he feels he has responsibility towards my well-being. I have to say he is really caring and awesome person if I happen to look past the fact that he is still in his old relationship.

So I don’t know. Should I wait? Should I break up? Considering we are in same team and our team is small. We are specialists so I can’t move on to another team overnight. If I break up with him it will be really awkward. Also I don’t have any guilt for whatever I feel towards him. I never pressurized him to break up with the other girl. I wanted him to do it in his own way. I know how painful a break up can be and I am empathetic towards that girl. I don’t want to mess her exam either so I am practically at my wit’s end.

Please help.

Kavita Panyam says:

Dear Girl,

Your query is in detail which makes it easier to come to a conclusion.

He is old enough to decide what he wants

You met this guy at work and you say he already had a steady girlfriend by then. And yet you went ahead and entered into a relationship with this guy. That he is being loyal to his girlfriend speaks a lot about his integrity and value system.

I am looking at your idea of love. It’s more like you are trying to get him to break up with the girl he’s with. I am sure he is old enough to decide who he wants in his life.

Give him time and space to decide

On one hand you say you are not forcing him and on the other you keep enquiring about his relationship status. Are you not putting him in a tight spot?

It is common for colleagues to develop attraction for one another when they work together for long hours. What may look absurd is trying to enter a man’s life that is already taken. Neither is he able to say “No” to you nor break up with his girlfriend. Does he really want to break up with her? Maybe he is unable to declare his decision to you.

What does that mean? Give him time and the space to decide who he wants to be with. This is best for all concerned.

Good luck!

Kavita

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