I'm not looking for a relationship

They began to be intimate, but then he said…

Saumya Tewari | Posted on 28 Feb 2017
Time to read: 3 min
Not looking for a relationship | Bonobology

Why is women’s sexuality perceived as any different from that of men? If you have sex with a close friend, does it mean you are in a relationship? This was what my dear friend thought; if he engaged in carnal activity with me, I will chase him for a relationship. Can a relationship between friends work if they end up having sex and feel obliged to be in one?

I have a very close friend; a member of my first social circle, which I have very few memories of, but I do remember spending afternoons with him and others when I first learnt to play hide and seek. When we met as grown-ups, we were both single and spent a lot of time together, keeping in touch through texts or spending lazy afternoons with each other. I got very attached to him. I still am, it’s complicated, as they say! 

One lazy afternoon the inevitable happened – we had too much wine and he made a move on me. I wasn’t expecting it, but it felt so right when he stroked my hair and caressed my bosom. I heard his heart race as I dug into his chest.

I could not stop him after this, and there was no need to question it. I knew we were on the same page with morality. Sex is unsanitary and you don’t want to get yucky with most people is what I always maintain. Plus, being intimate with others means some aesthetics will be compromised; so better do it only with people you don’t mind!

While kissing my forehead, he suddenly whispered into my ear, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Such a turn off. I didn’t know where that came from, because I wasn’t either.

Then he freaked out a bit and starting murmuring, “I don’t want to get married.” He continued kissing me and hugging me and even though we were wrapped up in each other I felt aloofness in his moves; not from me, but from a relationship.

He chose to arouse me and then not do me when I was that drunk, as he delicately put it. He offered to comfort me; I was cold because of too much alcohol, but I wanted to be left alone. He again gave me a long hug and left my place as soon as he could.

He often called me uptight for my hygiene issues about sex. As soon as I could lift my head from the stupor, I texted a teaser to him, “Now, who’s uptight?”

“Uptight it is!” he texted back with a smiley.

Then I asked him to wake me up in the morning so that I don’t get late for work, which he did without fail.

But this was not the end of it. He and I started our mornings chatting and texting; and went to bed with a goodnight over text. How were we to do that now without questioning what happened, rather, what did not happen?

A few days went by, and we didn’t say a word about it. I was his good friend and sex makes things complicated, he told me, trying to nullify his actions. 

It was not a booty call, and neither was it a call for a relationship. Probably he has never had “uncomplicated” sex. I knew he had been in messy relationships before but I never would have thought it would be a terrible one if he and I were in one.

I later joked with him about his sloppy moves, but he thought he hurt me and shied away from talking about it. I tried to tell him sarcastically that I was not looking for relationships based on a one-night stand. He then gave me an explanation about how his past involvements and hurtful relationships had a bearing on his life. He asked me to move on. I’m still not sure from what.

He liked me outside of everything and wanted to keep me out of the complexities of relationships, he said. He probably thought he “saved” the situation by “not taking advantage” of a drunk friend – which, he didn’t realise, made his actions questionable. He thought I was accusing him when I asked him upfront, impatient. For me, that moment was only about sharing intimacy with a friend, beyond limitations. I couldn’t explain to him in words that what he hurt was my sexuality.

(As told to Saumya Tewari)

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