Sex and Passion

Makeup sex is only as helpful as a new pair of socks in solving relationship issues

It's always said that fighting is good for a relationship because it means you can have make-up sex. But is that correct?
Girl with green socks

Yes, make up sex after a bout of disagreements and arguments can sound like a perfect way to energise your sex life, but beware of falling into this trap often.

‘Make up’ sex works best when done sparingly, and as a necessity, but if it becomes the only way to have sex and get intimate with each other, then there is something really wrong with the relationship and it needs to be addressed.

It is a big fallacy that fighting more can boost your sex life.

Emotional and sexual intimacy requires deep understanding and respect for each other as partners. And as the relationship/marriage ages, the excitement and passion diminishes and starts to border on boredom and routine. We bring everything inside the bedrooms, especially in marriages – disagreements over finances, and even over trivial issues like where to go for a holiday, where to put a particular piece of furniture; parenting challenges; relatives’ challenges; ageing parents, your career, your health and it all affects how we have sex.

And fighting for sure can push the adrenalin up and act as a fuel to the fire of lust. It may even bring out the smoldering part of you and make you feel smoking hot – the best ingredients for kickass sex, right?

Related reading: 5 tips to keep the erotic spark alive in long-term relationships

But be careful. Herein lays the paradox. It’s a trap. The chances of getting addicted to make up sex, (which is very likely) are fairly high, as it makes you feel better after a fight.

Most couples accept conflicts as part of their marriage and learn to either ignore it or manage it, which is not healthy in the long run. How couples deal with conflict and disagreements has a direct bearing on the emotional and sexual intimacy they share.

Related reading: 6 tips to fight like grownups

Fighting is an adversarial form of communication infused with anger and disrespect, and therefore destructive. Some research shows that the damage it causes can’t be reversed by regular ‘make up’ sex.

Couples researcher John Gottman has revealed that couples who feel and show kindness and generosity towards each other – especially when dealing with disagreements, misunderstandings, and conflicts – have more loving relationships over the long term and greater longevity. But those who express contempt, criticism, hostility – or simply disinterest in each other – are much more likely to divorce or just lope along in an emotionally damaged relationship limbo.

So choose understanding and kindness over a fight any day. It’s good to have disagreements but not too healthy to fight over them, even if it spices up your love life, tenfold.

5 tips for great make-up sex after a nasty fight

8 fights every couple will have at some point in their relationship

Published in Sex and Passion
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