Counselling

Married with child but want to get back with my ex!

My first love has come back into my life and I regret choosing my wife over my girlfriend
sad man seated on sofa

Question:

Dear ma’am,

I am married. Not really happy but I do believe I love my wife.

Recently a girl whom I loved more than anything has come back into my life. I have not seen or talked to her in the past 11 years. My daughter is 13 today, but when she was two years old, I had cut the girl out of my life, to be with the mother of my child, who is my current wife.

We’re just having friendly conversations, but I did fu*k up and told her how I felt about her. So now she knows that I am still absolutely nuts about her. She’s dealing with the death of her fiance though. But the problem is that now I am having feelings of resentment towards my wife. Like maybe I should not have cut the original love out of my life for the sake of my daughter. I’m so screwed! Please help me clear my head ma’am…

relationship counselling

Snigdha Mishra says:

Hi!

You’ve clearly put yourself in a confusing territory here!

She came back to your life: I can understand that you love this girl. You probably also love your wife and your daughter. If this [restrict] girl hadn’t come back to your life, probably things would’ve been the way they were and you would’ve continued to love your wife.

I can’t really tell you what to do here, because it has to be your call. All I can say is that if you ride on two boats simultaneously that chances of you falling flat on your face is higher. Now, if you just want to be friends with this girl, what is the confusion, even if you have told her your feelings?

You don’t owe her anything: Her fiance’s death has nothing to do with you really and you don’t owe this girl anything per se. Considering you’ve just met her after years, what is it that you want from her? You need be clear about that. You clearly seem to have feelings of more than a friend for her. So what is it that you want?

In the circumstances that you are in, comparing your lover to your wife is normal. And you may find your wife’s shortcomings easier to identify that before.

What do you want for your wife and daughter: Figure out your relationship goals with your wife and your daughter. Figure out what you want to do? Consider the pros and cons. Assuming you’ve just started out with this girl, do you wish to take this forward? Have an open communication with the girl. She’s grieving her loss. Maybe she’s not interested in you. What if both of you decide to move forward with this affair? What if she refuses? What if your wife finds out? What if this girl refuses but you’re still hung over?

There are too many maybes and assumptions in this situation and only you can figure your way out. Sadly, there is no one who can help you out.

Seek counselling: What I can suggest is… you take a few counselling sessions with a therapist to lower your anxiety about the situation. Together with your therapist work out the pros and cons list of multiple scenarios, some of which are mentioned above. The typical consequences that you may encounter with each choice you make and what are you ready to bargain each one of those choices with.

All the best!
Do write back if you need further help.

Snigdha

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