Expert Speak

Men and the myth about their attitude to sex

It's always believed that men think about sex all the time and don't care how they get it and from whom. But is this really true?
couple in bed making love

Men always want it, don’t they?

We have been told for ages that men’s minds are so immersed in thoughts of sex that it can become a full-time preoccupation. It has been understood for ages that if offered unattached sex with an attractive woman, most men would accept. And we just believe it without checking facts. This idea that men are ever ready, ever willing for sex is actually not completely true. This may be true for beginners in their teenage who are exploring sex, but this attitude changes once responsibilities set in.

“Men generally think that we are the ‘headache and not today’ gender with regard to sex. Women believe that it’s normal to not be in the mood because of stress or health reasons. And hence I have always felt that for men, mood doesn’t affect sex,” said Kavita, a client.

Men and women are different even when it comes to sexual desires. It’s not always only about who has the stronger sex drive among the partners. Women are more emotionally expressive and their desire for sex is about intimacy and connection. They look more for romance than sex.

Women also take more time to get physically ready for sex. Men usually don’t take that much time. But this doesn’t mean that men aren’t emotional or are unromantic.

“My husband normally asks for what he wants. To him the intimacy and connection comes from sex. He feels romantic after sex than before sex,” said Kavita.

Related reading: Do women lose interest in sex more than men?

It’s not the sex, it’s the nurturing we want

“Always wanting sex is part of the male persona that some of us wear to show we’re manly. But that’s not what we really want. What we really want is some safety and peace. We want to relax and be taken care of and that for us happens through sex. While my wife wants to have conversation during such times and that’s what I get put off with. We want to be nurtured like we were as little boys. But admitting the need for nurturing to of my wife might make me feel like a little boy and not a big strong man,” Mukesh explained.

Men, like women, also have their weak times. Many things are important than sex to men: love, friendship, loyalty, etc. For men, craving sex is like a typical craving for chocolates. Each sexual encounter is a connection made and a satisfaction received. It is like ending the day with a pudding.

“Sex actually makes me feel like I am finally home and rested. After the entire day of hard work, sex is soothing. I feel a deep attachment and closeness between me and my wife. Being sexually desired by my wife is the most reassuring part of my marriage,” another client revealed the importance of sex in his marriage.

couple in bedroom
Representative Image source

Related reading: 10 sex related myths that most men believe

The reward at the end of the day

Sex is like energy to the man, a drive to pursue his life’s purpose. He powers through daily struggles desiring a sexual reward at the end of the day, while most women may wish for an emotional connection at the end of a tiring day at work and home. They want to have some communication bonding before making a physical connection.

“What I understood after ten years of marriage is that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved. So I have stopped comparing sexual desires in our marriage, as we both need sex for different reasons and needs. I tell my friends to stop blaming their husbands for their interest or lack of interest in sex. It is only momentary and will change according to life. But the main problem is that the person who wants sex more almost always feels rejected by their partner. They begin to feel guilty and wonder if there is something wrong with them. Women have been conditioned about “men will be men”. If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough.”

Women have been conditioned about “men will be men”. If he doesn’t want sex, they worry that they may not be attractive enough.

“I’ve heard a lot of my friends make such statements,” said Rudra, another client who has understood the dynamics of sex in her marriage.

Men find it tough to admit to their partners that they want to feel safe and nurtured. They think it is not manly enough to think so. And then it takes a lot more guts to let his woman know he may want sex, but more important is his need for security, love, and nurture. They feel vulnerable.

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Be strong and nurturing

“When a man wants to feel safe with a woman, then the partner has to ideally let him be vulnerable and she should be ready to nurture. She must be strong and have a huge amount of confidence and self-love to be the anchor for that man who wants to be safe with her. Importantly, she should also know how to draw the line short of becoming his mother and being overly pampering. If this understanding can happen in a marriage, then the marriage is successful,” Rudra said.

The world is in the midst of a major sexual shift. It is evident from the movies we watch and the books we read. Women today are more sexually liberated and more comfortable asking for exactly what they want in sex. This is very welcome and healthy in a partnership, though the society sees it as a threat. It’s not that women’s desire is low; on the contrary, it’s just that some women have a stronger libido. That’s probably how it always had been, but culturally women were hushed from expressing it as much as they do now.

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