(To be read in an upper class British voice, preferably in the accent and tone of Sir David Attenborough.)
Dear human beings!
I hope you are doing fine, etc.
This year on International Cat Day, we cats have decided to break our silence on centuries of bad press that we and our loved ones have been getting. We are generally not partial to display any kind of emotions (except contempt) but now we have reached the end of our tether. We’re always appalled by preposterous things you have been saying and writing about our kind and the ladies who love us.
We made our final decision after seeing frequently this odd set of people, who you call celebrities, who are writing open letters about every tiny thing they supposedly suffer from.
We’re more celebrated than all of these people put together, so we deserve to have our open letter. We have given our grievances as a listicle, again following your latest decadent fashion of writing, which apparently catches more “eye balls”. (Eye roll)
- Why do you always presume our company is specially welcomed by single ladies with no prospect of getting a match or as they used to be called, spinsters? And dear Emily Dickinson with her love for us actually did not help our cause. We find it particularly unbecoming that it is insinuated in any manner that only one kind of people loves us. How can anyone imagine us being not liked by other kinds of people? Haven’t you seen the majestic Bond villain with his cat?
- Apart from being unpleasant to us, this idea is an utter disservice to the single ladies who are partial to us. The moment a gentleman caller to her Facebook wall or Tinder sees her picture with her cat, going by stereotype he immediately presumes the lady in question has decided to die alone. Then no friending or right swipe happens and the lady in question really dies alone.
- It is painful to accept it, but confirmed single ladies don’t always keep cats. They also keep turtles, parrots and some peculiar single ladies even keep cough dogs cough.
- We certainly never enjoy the implication that the alternative to having babies is having a cat. A woman can have babies on the side while having cats. Of course, she can never love babies as much she loves her cat.
- We are disturbed by the superstitions of ignorant humans. The black cat is a bad omen in the West and a cat crossing your path is a bad omen in India. Have you ever thought what kind of omen a human is for us? I don’t want to say it out loud, but it rhymes with “weevil”. However, we are too evolved to believe in all this mumbo jumbo. When will you evolve?
- We love a rub on the stomach like any animal with high taste, but that does not mean rubbing with your feet is welcome. We are not needy and over eager just for a rub. What are we? Dogs?
- Finally, how presumptuous of you to think we are anyone’s pets! It is like saying Sherlock Holmes is Mrs Hudson’s pet. We would prefer henceforth to be referred to only as a lodger or a flat mate.
Please convey this to people who have not read this letter. What might help is if you make this open letter, as you call it, “viral”, like Kim Kardashian’s open letter about motherhood. We are not spinsters’ pets, just like taking care of a child in high heels and full makeup is no mean feat.Yours ever non-obliging
President of World Cat Association