A few years ago, I didn’t even know what the term polyamory meant ! And then I encountered people who actually practice polyamory or varied version of it (I say varied version as I am not yet convinced that they actually practice what they preach are tenets of polyamory).
This is a concept that still beats me frankly! A friend told me “ you are too monogamously wired” . And yes, frankly I am. Neither proud, nor apologetic about it.
We humans are supposed to be poly wired historically, capable of loving more than one person, each one on a different plane. I am not naive enough to realize that no two people can ever tick all the little boxes on their partners need list. Hence, many find shelter in polyamory, which historically was never conceived for this purpose. Contrary to what my poly friends believe, in my opinion, even 2 or 3 or more people can never fulfill all your needs. As humans we are greedy and our lists of wants and needs, non exhaustive.
Most poly people claim that these are relationships that free you from jealousy, possessiveness, are more open and communicative. There is more honesty. But frankly, in practice, I have seen equal amount of jealousy and pain and heartache. One partner almost always hurts in this setup. The number of poly support groups and their posts, speak for themselves. Why do they then get brainwashed to accept it ? Fear of losing their partner? Aren’t they already lost, even if physically with you?
Even in poly relationships there are compromises galore and unfulfilled expectations. There is jealousy; there are tears, often insecurity. Personally, I would rather deal with disappointments from one person than multiple ones. But that’s purely my choice.
To me monogamy is about “being enough”. A clear message to the person, that you matter enough to me to fulfill my broad needs. And if I need to compromise on a few, heck yes, I would. I am not going running to another man, just because you didn’t tick a few boxes!
To me poly sounds the worst nightmare of my life. I would live in constant shadow of “I am never enough”. It’s not about getting jealous or possessive or insecure. It’s about creating that “one” bond, that transcends every other relationship in your life. It about wants to see that one face, wanting touch of that one person, so much so that your heart aches when he/she is away.
I don’t view monogamy as mere physical commitment nor a romantic notion. It’s a life time of working on your relationship. It’s about a deeper connection that just doesn’t happen automatically but has to be cultivated over time.
Making a monogamous relationship is such a creative challenge. I can’t imagine anything more beautiful to accomplish. Imagine the luminescence of it, once achieved. A bond that people would look at and aspire to achieve.
Poly is easy, mono is tougher – I like challenges !
PS. 1. Seen too many poly partners cheat on their partners and call it poly to wash away their guilt.
2. Seen too many mono partners in mono-poly relationships that are brainwashed into believing that they can opt to be poly, but the male partners (most often husbands) act like overbearing protective bears. Total crap ! Seeing your spouse with another man/woman is not an easy thing for any one, be it mono or poly.