Sex without foreplay can spoil your bedroom experience

A close friend once said that she knew her husband wanted sex when he started brushing his teeth, so she would pretend that she was already asleep. Sex without adequate foreplay can be boring and tedious. And intimidating!

Some Catholic institutions insist on counselling for couples before the wedding takes place, but they too do not touch upon the nitty-gritty of foreplay. Parents believe that their children will follow their own learning curve. However, a lot of students, especially those intent on marriage, have reached out and asked if I could share some tips on how to make love. Of course, there is passion and the heat of the moment sex; these rarely satisfy the woman. Men have a very clear-cut, straightforward approach to sex, and thereby achieve their need for love. You can see this even in cats – the male tomcat watches stolidly from a short distance, while the female embarks upon an elaborate dance sequence on the lines of an item number like “piya tuuuu ab to aajjaaa”.

Here are some fine points to remember while wooing your woman. I have a disclaimer here, that there are those with cave-women instincts who like to be dragged by the hair into the lair! For others, here are some finer aspects of foreplay:

1. When rough is not OK

As a new bride, my cousin was expecting sweet nothings and tenderness; instead her husband harshly told her to spread her legs and what followed scarred her for life. Remember, your woman is a goddess; treat with respect and kindness.

2. Finesse is of the essence

Flowers – most women love the idea of receiving flowers, it may be a social or cultural construct, but flowers somehow mean you are appealing to her finer instincts. I used to love it when my husband got me a string of fresh jasmine buds that would bloom as the night proceeded, and spread the most heavenly fragrance. It just did something for me.

3. Fire up the senses

You can always tease the senses of touch and taste with wine and chocolates or arrange for a private candle-lit meal in your own house. These are painstakingly labour oriented and you cannot outsource this activity; she must see and feel your intent and integrity.

Related reading: How can touch spice up your chemistry with your man?

4. Footloose and fancy free

Then, for the ones with expendable income, there is jewellery, perfumes, shoes, clothes, etc. However, you need to know your woman, and her material index. For others one tender look, or a nudge on the shoulder, or a favourite song, under a full moon, is enough. For others, the words “let’s hit it” or “just ride me” or some other shady code word, works like magic.

5. When crass is sexy

One of my lovers would sit in the corner at one end of the classroom and stick out a bit of his tongue from the corner of his mustachioed upper lip – to suggest that we should shack up that night. It would send shivers down my spine, of excitement and anticipation. My kids think that was gross and predatory!

6. Get into the mood

These I would think are the prelude to the physical foreplay. Women like their men to be macho and gentle at the same time. A bit of a paradox, but not difficult to achieve. So the touch has to be firm and sure but not painful. And like good cooking, add mindful, thoughtful spices, like poetry or sweet nothings.

Related reading: Get him in the mood with ‘dirty dancing’

7. Lover, know thy partner

It all depends on how well you know your woman and how well you communicate. The element of surprise always works. Creativity has no limits when you are initiating sex. Some props like waterworks, bubbles in a bathtub or a Jacuzzi, chocolate syrup, butter, sweet scented massage oils, candles to set the mood, the list is endless.

8. Women take the lead!

For most men, a willing woman who takes the initiative to please her man is enough to fuel his creativity in foreplay. I remember my Urdu speaking lover would murmur “jaanu” while he ran his finger through my hair, which was enough to get me going, full steam ahead.

9. Oral pleasure is a must!

I read my first book on said subject at 18, from a slim book off the footpath at Lakdi Pul in Poona. The Internet is a huge source of information and women and men alike can benefit. Both cunnilingus and fellatio take a lot of practice and diligence for both sexes. Talk, test, explore, innovate and enjoy.

Explore your own bodies and find your erogenous zones. The cardinal rule is, if you don’t know what turns you on, no one can. You have just this one life and one body, make the most of it; make it work for you!

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