My boyfriend appears emotionally detached to me

close up of a girls face


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Respected Ma’am,

I was in my first year of college and he was in his first year in chemical industry. Our meeting was through a friend via phone call and then we started talking.

His witty answers and flirting drew me towards him and I fell in love with him. I asked for a relationship but he was restricted to an open relationship. This open relationship went on for 3 years and then when I was tired of waiting I moved on. I blocked him everywhere so that he won’t be able to contact me. Still he managed to drop messages once in a blue moon asking me to come back. This went on for 2 years and I did not go back in his life. One night he mailed me sharing a photo of our memories (my love letters) and said two lines that “Please do not be angry but today I feel like talking to you very much”.

I called him right back seeing all these memories that he preserved for two years… and our relationship started. The first 6 months were lovely since we were back together after a gap of two years. I went to meet him at his place and we made love. I wanted a commitment but all I got was a confused answer.

My hopes started being dashed one by one and dreams were shot down. I was heart broken. Moving on was a difficult task for me earlier. The pain I went through was really something that I cannot express in words. I knew that I will have to move on once again and that too from the same person.

I told him that if you are not ready for a relationship, then I will have to move on. He asked me to give him 15-20 days to figure out things. I was desperate and helpless and I called him one evening asking about his decision and it was the first time when he said that he loves me and he agreed for a relationship. Later on, I came to know that he took help from Google to know about his feelings towards me.

boyfriend appears emotionally detached
Sad feeling alone

I am quite unconvinced about his feelings towards me. I feel a constant lack of compassion and intensity towards. His actions tell me that he does not love me and is still confused.

Example 1:

Me- I was on a fast for you.
Him- Why?
Me- Areyy! Girls fast out of their will and when you have already agreed to marry me, why not try fasting?
Him- But why this bullshit?

I was heartbroken.

Example 2
Him- Please don’t surprise me by sending frequent gifts as I don’t gift you anything.
Me- But in a long distance relationship one should surprise each other.Him- I do not like it.

Please help me regarding this relationship. I am in a dilemma that a person is emotionally detached from me. He has agreed to marry when I asked about it. There is no individual stand of his own. His behaviour irks and fills me with self pity and it is really draining my energy.

Counsellor Snigdha says:

I read and re-read your question a couple of times. What I understood was, [restict] he is his own person with his own set of values and behaviour, which may or may not be the same as yours. That only makes him different from you, which is how people are. Different.

Both of you have different ways of communication and showing love. If you think you cannot stand him and his behaviour and are constantly irked and unhappy, what’s the point of being in this relationship?

Also, if you think that you are both different, but want to give your relationship a chance, it is imperative that you develop healthy communication and reduce unrealistic expectations. It’s also extremely important that you seek professional help in understanding relationship dynamics and how you can become more accepting of him. You gave the karvachauth example. You fasted because you wanted to, he may have another opinion. What hurt you? Was it your expectation of a certain response from him that wasn’t met? Or his response? Please check.

There are many things that a partner may not understand or may have opposing view of. That doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Acceptance, respect and trust form the foundation of a relationship. Work upon these three factors and everything else will follow.

All the best,

Dr. Snigdha


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