When you are horny but you live in a joint family
So, you think, yes it’s difficult to have sex in a joint family, no points for guessing that. You have to make sure that there are no hickeys, noises are to be at a minimum, no used condoms on display, even in dustbins. But what a lot of people don’t realise is that it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to have sex in a joint family. This is not a rant, I swear to God. It isn’t, though I am really pissed for not having been touched by a man, any man or maybe my husband in the last 6 months.
Well, it’s not exactly as if my family conspire to make coitus difficult or stand with their ears to our door to make the whole thing awkward. Everyone completely respects others’ privacy. But, the fact that 7 other people live under the same roof with rooms facing each other in a hallway, plus the conflicting work schedule of me and my husband and the horrible Delhi ki garmi, permit us little intimacy. We hardly see each other during the weekdays, and when we do at weekends, we are totally exhausted to do anything except to sleep on opposite ends of the bed.
Related reading: 10 reasons why the man in your life may be saying NO to sex
The heat drove us into the AC hall
The Delhi heat is important in my story because you see, our AC had broken down, and after spending many sleepless nights on sweaty sheets, my husband and I decided to sleep in the hall. So, we dragged out mattresses and a light sheet to the hall and decided to sleep early, as the next day we had a puja in the house. Now, I work till 4 in the morning and even though I had taken an off that day, I couldn’t sleep. My husband, who sleeps early, had slept throughout the day and was wide awake too. And that is an explosive combination. A man and woman, wide awake and an AC chilling the room as it were the valleys of Kashmir.
A kiss here and a nudge there, and I was dripping wet. I had my hands in his pants and was about to blow him when we heard a cough. It is another misery of mine that not all the rooms in my house have an attached bath. We stilled as much we could, anticipating a ‘haw ji, puppy shame’. I wonder why I was even anticipating this. I was making out with my husband! A man I followed around the fire and fasted for on Karva Chauth. This is completely legit, but my husband, who was shaking like a virtuous new bride, decided to break the thing off.
Related reading: How often do married couples have sex?
Let’s try the balcony then
But Mama ain’t finished. Hell, she ain’t even started. So, I dragged him to the balcony, were partially covered by curtains, we got out of our clothes and started sucking, biting, nudging, kissing, touching each other in a way possible only in a badly directed, badly edited C-grade porno. I know, because hello PornHub! I am one of the proud 43% of women watching porn worldwide.
After we had the wrestling match to decide who would be on top, I was atop and making strokes as tightly as I could, anticipating the sweet ache down there. My hands-on his chest teasing his nipples, his hand on my mouth to stop me from screaming, my head bent upwards in pure ecstasy when I noticed a flash from the neighbouring building. And screamed. But scream, I couldn’t. So, I bit. He screamed. More coughs from inside the house. We stilled. “What’s wrong?”, he asked. “What’s that?” I pointed from between the curtains and since I can’t see very well without my glasses, he pulled the curtain apart to see and I felt the glorious mountains deep in my valleys disappear.
Related reading: 12 things that can go wrong during sex
Someone shot a video!
“Someone’s shooting us!” he said, covering our bodies within the curtains. The words didn’t destroy me as much as the speed of his erection disappearing did. “No, let’s finish.” He shot me a look that scared and excited me at the same time, but slowly sense had started coming that I was soon going to be starring in a badly directed, badly edited C-grade porno if that Peeping Tom put it up somewhere. “He couldn’t have shot a lot. We were mostly obscured. I’ll thrash him in the morning,” he said, putting on his clothes and throwing mine to me. Then, he went in and was snoring in 10 minutes. Thrash? That’s a bit gentle. I fantasised on ways to kill this guy as I went in, and lay sleepless for the next three hours.
The next morning, we woke late and irritable and were commented upon for our noisy activities late in the night, with a wink here and there. No sex and then, no orgasm, and then, rukmani rukmani, shadi ke baad kya kya hua, it was driving me mad. But, I behaved sensibly, as every married woman should. Plus, we had this amazing quickie doggie-style, (multiple orgasms!!), while everyone was waving bye-bye to Panditji.
I still keep an eye out for that video. My husband couldn’t find the guy who was possibly shooting us, but I keep frequenting PornHub and other places to check if we were looking too fat that day. My husband doesn’t agree; he knows what I am really after.