My girlfriend brings up her ex during intimate moments

Wherever my girlfriend and I get intimate she begins to talk about her ex-boyfriend. It has shaken my confidence badly. What do I do?

Hi there! I’m sure it must be very harrowing for you to hear about your girlfriend’s ex, especially during your intimate moments. Why she talks about him though, will depend on the content of her conversation. If she talks about the times she was physically intimate with him, it could be a signal that she wants you to up your game in bed. If she talks about the connection she had with him, it’s possible that she’s trying to make you jealous, to get you to express more possessiveness and is trying to gauge how deeply you feel about her.

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Another reason that you might not have thought of could be that she’s trying to stop herself from feeling vulnerable towards you in those moments, and so to retain some measure of psychological control, she brings up the ex, knowing that it will have an effect on you. I know it sounds like a well-planned game, but you’d be surprised how often we unknowingly use such defences with the people we love! It would be helpful if we knew a little about what she says. However, as a practical measure, what you can do is, when she brings it up, instead of getting defensive or withdrawn, ask her clearly if it’s something you do (or don’t do) that makes her think of him. If she downplays it and tries to evade the conversation, say that it has been bothering you, and even though you don’t mind her sharing, you would prefer if it didn’t happen during intimate moments. Don’t ever be afraid to ask her outright, if she’d like you to behave more like him. But do all this gently, clearly, and in a calm and non-defensive manner. It’s highly possible that she herself hasn’t realised how much she’s been hurting you; with this, she might. All the best!

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