Counselling

My girlfriend no longer wants to make out. Please advise.

Guy in Depressed Mood

Q: I am 24 years old. My girlfriend and I used to get close at home but never had sex, only orally. We were confused one day because she’d missed her periods so we went to a doctor. At that time she took an oath to refrain from petting and not to visit me at home. Now everything is fine. She was not pregnant actually but for four months we didn’t even hug each other. I’ve told her that the oath is nothing, she’d only sworn it under stress, but now she has this in her mind that if she gets intimate with me then God will punish her and she will get pregnant. Due to this our problems are increasing day by day. We are not talking like before. I’ve asked her to have sex because it’s a very important part of loving each other, but she says that love is possible even without sex. Please help me how to make her understand that it’s not about sex, it’s about sharing and touching each other to make love strong. Please help me what to do.

A: Hi there! Well, having a scare that you might be pregnant can be a very frightening thing and I don’t blame your girlfriend for wanting to be extra cautious about that. You can try to dispel her myths about sex and how one can conceive but even so, you cannot and should not try to convince her to have sex with you if she is not comfortable. You need to respect her wishes and fears and sex is just one of the parts of a relationship, not the most important part. I can understand that as a man you have needs and you want to express your love for her by getting physically intimate with her, which is a good thought. But you also have to come to terms with the fact that women see things differently when it comes to sex and intimacy. This is a basic, biological gender difference and nobody’s fault. If you really want this relationship to progress with her, I suggest you spend more time getting her comfortable in your presence. Right now, she must be feeling high-strung every time she is near you, because she knows you expect sex and then she’ll have to say no. This must be taking a toll on her, too, and it’s not easy for her. Sex can always come into the picture any time, but the chance that you have to develop your trust and bond right now, you may not get again. Now the choice is yours, whether you want to focus on one aspect and fade out the others or you want to look at the big picture and slowly let the physical intimacy find its own way. Good luck!

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