Question:
Dear Snigdha,
My husband doesn’t spend time with me. On weekends or whenever he is at home, he sits in one place with mobile in his hand, full time in social media and games. I completely understand that men need to be given space. But being like this the whole day irritates me. He speaks only if he must, or just replies in one word if asked any questions. If I don’t initiate talk, he can go without talking for days. Other than this, he is good. But what is the point of marriage if there is no communication. Even if I disappear this moment, he won’t feel any difference. He is the only child, and so I understood and accepted the way he is. But there must be some effort from his side too. Yeah, I have spoken to him directly many times, both affectionately and angrily. Even though he is there for me when I need him, I don’t feel bonded or emotionally attached due to his isolation. These days I have started behaving like him, completely ignoring him, which I know is bad. At least it satisfies my ego! But yeah, it doesn’t make any difference to him, when he is busy in his world. I cannot talk about this to my friends. Please let me know what I should do.
-An invisible lady
Counsellor Snigdha says:
Dear Invisible Lady,
What you’re going through is extremely common. [restict]You’ve mentioned that you’ve spoken to your husband about it and there hasn’t been a change. Have you thought of communicating the need as a couple rather than an individual? Example, saying its important as a couple to spend time together and do things together to build a better bond and emotional connect?
It’s important that a couple spends some quality time together. Each couple defines it differently. Where for some it may be a holiday every 3 months or 1 year for others it may be doing fun things together over the weekend.
You need to assess what he really likes to do and if you can do it with him and vice versa. Many a times homebodies find it difficult to assess their and the partners’ needs to indulge in outdoor activities. I suggest you take a couple counselling session with a therapist near you to help understand individual and couple needs of communication and developing a healthy bond.
I also suggest that you start taking care of your emotional needs first and by yourself. Sometimes lacking social life and having not much to do leads to boredom and wishing constant partner support and caring. Since you haven’t mentioned you’re working at home or outside of home, I am assuming you to be working at home. Develop a routine for yourself that helps you utilise your time fruitfully. Concentrate first on what helps you maintain a healthy life both mentally and physically.
Use a third-party intervention, professional help of a counsellor. Your husband may or may not agree, but in any case you must go to a therapist to help evaluate and assess the best behavioural and emotional strategy to help yourself.
All the best,
Snigdha
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