Before marriage, my relationship with my husband was enviable and we could never get enough of each other. Seeing him at the end of a long day made all my worries go away. I knew he was the man of my dreams and everyone thought we would have the happiest marriage. I was smitten and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Until we actually got married and I learned that my husband had lost his libido.
Like any other couple on their honeymoon period, my husband (then boyfriend) and I were drunk in love. I still remember the night we met – a winter wedding. A bonfire party. The aroma of toasted marshmallows. Acoustic music. Mushy weather. Giggles were followed by snuggles and before we knew it, we were wrapped in one shawl. We didn’t let go of a single opportunity to make love and our chemistry was undeniable.
We did it everywhere. In the elevator, the parking garage and the movies, on the bed, the beach and the kitchen counter. We kissed senselessly in filthy washrooms and on the carpet of a lavish suite with equally remarkable intensity. We were way too distracted to care.
It was shocking and unexpected to know my husband has lost his libido because the first few months of our marriage were even better than our dating life. Sex on the kitchen counter, sex in the balcony – love was everywhere. But things took a drastic turn one day and I knew we could never go back to how things were. Read on to understand my story.
After Marriage Everything Changed
After two years of dating, we got married and the tower of lust came crashing down. Yes, the first few months were full of action, but the fruit was no more forbidden. We could eat it whenever we wanted to. So sometimes it was overripe, sometimes it shrank like a raisin and the rest of the time, it sat in the fridge, losing its divine essence with every passing day.
I could walk naked around the house and my beloved husband would no more feel the need to grab me by my waist and pin me down. The chase had clearly ended and yes, my husband had lost his libido. I just had to accept it.
Next up, I started reading listicles on lifestyle websites and magazine features about “How to keep the spark alive after marriage?“, “Have a steamy New Year”, “What does your man want?”, “8 ways to make lust last”.
I spent a lot of money on lingerie too, which by the way was exceedingly uncomfortable, perfumes and body butter. But nothing helped. I even read up more about loss of libido in men, its causes and whether it can come back or not.
I’m not sure if it’s the age difference or our timing, but our sex life went from dramatic to dull in just a few years. Sex life, not love life. We were still in love. We travelled to explore the unexplored, surprised each other on special occasions and showered and cuddled together at night. But he was no more the wild boy I fell in love with under a moonlit sky. It was kind of a sexless marriage now.
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My Husband Has Lost His Libido
When my husband’s sudden loss of libido was bothering me, what’s worse is that mine was swelling like a rising tide. I began pleasuring myself under a hot shower and under the quilt on nights when I was alone at home.
Then I realized I functioned better after hitting the big O. I didn’t want to be one of those frustrated women who needed to ‘get laid’ to overcome their crankiness, so I turned to the props I’d tucked away in my pop-colored sandook (jewelry box). No longer did I have to make my husband a drink to get him in the mood or worry about getting a bikini wax appointment every month. I could take care of my own needs.
Well, so I thought until I ran into Karan, my friend from school, at the grocery store. We reconnected with each other on social media. A week down the line we were already flirting with each other. His ‘good mornings’ meant more to me than sunshine itself even as I hungrily gobbled up his compliments – on the color of my skin, the shape of my lips and the curve of my waist. Karan’s sweet words reassured me that I was still smokin’ hot even in my early 30s.
On one hand, was my husband I loved so dearly and on the other was Karan, who I knew was capable of kissing every inch of my skin, making me feel like a modern-day Aphrodite. And did I not deserve to feel like a goddess?
Would it be fair for Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of love to plead a man to make love to her? No, it wouldn’t. So one day, when Karan invited me home for a cup of coffee, I went and things turned out just the way I wanted them to.
Related Reading: 5 ways to achieve the big O
The fun is back in my life
I don’t remember the last time I quivered when a guy planted wet kisses on my neckline or gently slid his nimble fingers up my back to unhook my bra, the last time when I stayed in bed after making love, sipping coffee and sharing a smoke, the last time a man-made me feel oh-so-beautiful and I had good sex. My husband had lost his libido but I do not feel like I should have to suffer for it.
I know this is wrong in many ways, but then it’s also deeply frustrating to suppress your needs and it gets lonely under the blanket day after day. Loving yourself is good, but if someone else is willing to love you too, maybe you could give them a chance?
A lot of my friends have disapproved of this choice of mine and keep telling me that I have been a cheating spouse. But life is just not that simple. What to do if your partner has low libido? Just abstain until the marriage is over?
It is not that I do not care for my husband or that I disrespect him. I just love myself and have high regards for what I deserve. My husband has lost his libido but I still have mine. I should be able to experience life the way I want.
At your own risk, though.
(As told to Priya Chaphekar)