Counselling

My lover cannot commit to me as he can’t leave his wife. He won’t let me go either

We love each other but he can't leave his wife and children for me. What should I do?
A woman at the beach

Question:

I have known Mr M since childhood. He used to admire me and wanted to marry me. But the proposal didn’t work out due to a misunderstanding and we went our separate ways.

Today, my husband and I are separated and have kids (not legally separated). Mr M is married too. He and I reconnected a few days back and have been talking to each other. The misunderstanding that was there earlier has also cleared up. In fact, now we are madly in love with each other and can’t do without each other at all. He wants to be with me but says can’t leave his wife (his wife is aware of our relationship). His own dad had an extramarital affair. He remembers what his mother went through and he says the kids suffer the most in such cases. He doesn’t want to let go of me either. However, the more I insult him or go away from him he keeps coming back. He works overseas and can meet me once in one or two years but will chat and call everyday. I don’t know what to understand of this on-off relationship. I am not at peace. Please help me.

Counsellor Deepak says:

This does seem like a sticky situation for you. In such situations, knowing and remembering your own purpose helps the most. Ask yourself the following few questions: How do I want my personal and romantic life to look like 3 years from now? Do I want a family? Will the instability and infrequency of my relationship with Mr M be able to get me closer to my personal goals? Can I use emotions alone for Mr.M as a license enough to get into another sticky situation, involving far too many people this time around?

Sometimes we believe that emotions alone will guide us and tell us what is good for ourselves, and it is true that the human condition is such that very few logical things make sense to us, if they ignore the emotional element in question. Having said that, I want to also point our that part of being an adult is to make hard choices. Choices that may not always make you ‘feel’ good at the moment, but choices that make sense for the long term. Obviously, I don’t know the details of situation more than you have told us, but from what I know, I would look for a new start and find the courage in my heart to accept life the way it is and get on with business of living to the best of your abilities. I would stay single until I met someone who is free and willing to be with me. Intention and ability are both important for me.

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