I’m 34 years old, unmarried and in a relationship since the last six/seven years. The person respects me, advises me and stays in touch daily through phone. But he had an affair with another girl who is 5 years older than him, before meeting me. He used to love her and wanted to marry her but could not due to family problems and the age gap between them. Then the girl started getting obsessive. She even attempted suicide twice. Ultimately due to the threats and tension, my boyfriend married his earlier girlfriend and left me.
But still, he is in regular touch with me. He cares about me but does not want to marry me and socially accept me. His priority is his wife. Always!
He says that if everything doesn’t happen according to his wife, it may spoil his family. He has his wife at home. He tries his best to keep her happy and even sleeps with her. But still, he says he is into me and wants to keep contact with me too. What should I do? I am totally involved in him and I get badly disturbed and react and feel depressed when I see him giving more importance to that other elderly female and ignoring me. I don’t wanna lose him. But I never want to be the second female in his life either. Please help and guide Ma’am.
Counsellor Avani Tiwari says:
Okay… We all attempt to justify things to ourselves when we want something badly. When we don’t want to give something up; including relationships that we don’t want to end.
It is obvious that you love him. It is also obvious that he does not love you back. If he did, you wouldn’t be in this mess today. Read carefully now – whatever the relationship between him and his wife is not your business and nor should you use it to justify what is now clearly an extramarital affair.
You are neither morally nor emotionally in a good situation. It would be best for you to cut your losses and move on. Fall back on family and friends. Give yourself time to heal, it will definitely take time. Also, don’t be in a hurry to substitute someone for him. Later on, if you find someone worthy of your emotions and yourself, great. But don’t wait for it. As for advising, intimate matters are for family, close friends and experts. So if after breaking off and moving on, the pain seems too much to bear then definitely seek counselling.