My heart sank when I saw S in front of my apartment. He looked just the same, even though it had been months since I had thought of him. I looked around in nervousness and told him he could not come up to my room. The truth is that I lied to him. There was no such rule, and nobody knew that I had an affair with someone in college. I say had because, in my mind, I had broken up with him the day I stopped writing or calling. Those were the days when one had to go to the phone booth to place long-distance calls. But now, when I saw S, my post-break-up feelings were strong.
(As told to Riti Kaunteya)
We were in a long-distance relationship
In those days for a person with a new job, it would mean taking the trouble to post at 9 pm. For people living in hostels, it was hardly possible to reach the boyfriend or girlfriend easily.
My boyfriend and I were officially in a fancy, long-distance relationship. We communicated regularly, but we yearned to touch each other and engage in some heavy-duty petting, as we used to, during the carefree college days.
We had a solid physical relationship
In the small town where we studied, it was not too difficult to engage in that in the last row of darkened theatres, established lovers’ parks, empty classrooms or deserted rooftops. We connected best with our bodies.
He made me discover erogenous spots that I had never imagined existed in me. He was a master of foreplay and I can safely say my early training in the sexual department came from him.
Well, I never looked beyond the veil of sexual awakening. We never examined our relationship beyond the sexual and never questioned his occasional jealous outbursts if I so much as looked at other boys.
We changed cities and drifted apart
When we parted ways after college to take up jobs in different cities, we promised each other that we would find a way to keep the relationship alive until we managed to get jobs in the same town. We promised we would take the long journey across the map to meet at least once a year. We vowed we would write once a week, speak a week thrice and chat every weekend.
I fell for someone else
However, whoever said, distance makes the heart fonder did not perhaps include me in their survey of people in a long-distance relationship. It took me six months to fall in love again. A colleague R, who was, in all aspects a gentleman. He was generous, chivalrous, intelligent and witty. Before I realized, I had fallen for his charm. I knew in my heart he was the real deal. And one day, without warning, kissed me and I kissed him back and liked it very much.
Daresay, I had fallen in love with him and I could no longer think about going back to my long-distance lover. At that time, I did not much care about my post break-up feelings.
I compared the two
When I could not help but compare the two, the veil lifted. I realized that I would never be in a relationship with a jealous lover who flew into an irrational rage every time I spoke to another man. Slowly, I cut off ties with him. I stopped writing, making calls and going to the internet cafes to chat with him. In my mind, I had broken up with him, I was still in love with him, but I was on a different path.
I did not know how to deal with my post-break-up feeling
S was standing before me, and I had no clue how to explain to him about the change in me. So, I did what I could best, standing in the middle of a busy road. I faked it.
We went back to his hotel and into his room. He was all over me as soon as the door closed, and my treacherous body could not resist even though my mind told me not to give in. A year of abstinence, for R and I had not gone to that level of heavy petting, and my body was longing for fulfilment.
What the hell, I told myself. It was just my post-break-up feelings that I hadn’t processed well. So, a spot of break-up sex would not hurt us. I succumbed and I neither regretted it nor felt ashamed for doing it. He made me feel like a goddess and ensured I was satiated completely before his satisfaction.
We broke up amicably at the end of his week-long stay. He had come to admit that he had fallen for someone else and wanted to break it to me in person. It was a mutually beneficial break-up, and we parted on good terms.
I am married, but my post-break-up feelings exist
I did marry R eventually, but in some moments of honesty, I admit to myself that S was better than R in satisfying me. Still, in a heartbeat, I will choose R because my love for him is beyond sexual connection. No regrets there.