The right to say ‘NO’ to sex is an unspoken individual and fundamental right
In this century verbal consent means shit to people. The word No in sex is often taken as an insult and leaves the utterer with a sense of guilt. The right to say no to sex is an unspoken individual and fundamental right. No-to-sex is fraught with emotional consequences and is often taken as a personal attack. It is not a personal attack, it is not something to do with the other person (well, sometimes it is) but whatever the reason, once the word has been uttered, it is set in stone. NO means NO!
Let me paint a situation for you.
You are out with a date. You have taken in one pint of beer while your date has gorged themselves on oysters and wine. Fancy right? You are having a nice time until “Let’s go back to my place.” It was not meant as a question. “We can make out, right?” Wrong. The nice time you are having now has a foreboding sense of responsibility to make out with the person. You might think saying No will be rude and might possibly come up with excuses like “It is just making out” but deep down you know it will end in sex-something you are not up for tonight. So while they are wrapping up with the bill and calling an Uber, you want to scream and walk out but because that might seem rude and saying NO is a tough thing to do, you go with the flow.
Irrespective of gender, this situation can be applicable to all. Sex is fun, sex is about connection – so there could be no harm in indulging in sex if both parties like each other.
Liking the other person is not the only requisite to having sex
1. You might not be prepared emotionally
You might be getting out of a relationship and emotionally you are not ready to take the plunge, even if you like the person. For many, sex is more than just fun and having a connection – it is about emotions and mental preparedness.
2. There is no connection
The person likes wine, you like beer. You have no common ground of interest and that can come as a reason to forming no mental connection.
3. No attraction
Even though your date might be hot, you just don’t feel the attraction. It cannot be explained but in your head, looks is not the only criteria for you to be naked with the person.
4. Situational matters
Unavailability of protection, too much alcohol, or just unrelenting physical discomfort.
Saying no to sex is more about the one who says than the one who hears
NO is equivalent to not giving consent. However, often adding negativity after a great date feels wrong – some sort of a weird psychology works and we find ourselves getting a tongue stuck down our throat while in the head screaming “When is this going to end?”
So the negativity was present after the question was popped “Let’s go back to my place.” While you might have said no in your head, you did not/ could not say NO out loud.
If you do manage to say “No. Let’s do that some other day”, to the hearer it will seem, “I am not worthy” or “We are never seeing each other again”. To dispel this cloud of misjudgement, it will be wise to voice out your feelings. If you do not feel up for a make out session, saying No is not enough it seems. To save the hearer’s feelings, validating your causes with “I have to be up early tomorrow” or “I am really tired” might get you out of these kind of situations once, but over time, you will have to come up with varied excuses.
You can get out of the sticky situations by being completely open with the partner
You are both reasonable adults. Because we are rarely taught to be completely free with a person, saying NO becomes difficult. However, sex is very personal. Having sex just to keep the person interested is foolish and might prove tumultuous in a future relationship with them. You cannot hold yourself responsible for how others feel after you turn down their proposal and there is nothing wrong in stepping out and doing what you like.
Naysaying also comes with what you do while having sex. If a certain position is too much for you, or bondage and domination is what you don’t like, say “NO, I cannot do this”. This even applies for couple who have been together for a long time. It is foolish and might leave mental scars if we give in to all sexual demands, even with physical discomfort from our side.
Saying NO can be hard at first, but it is your life, your body and naysaying gives you power over your right to exercise what you want and what you don’t. The right people, the mature ones will respect it and not pester you to change your mind. At the end of the day, saying NO filters out those people who you might a problem with in the future regarding your use of the word NO. So, it is a win-win altogether.