Being in a relationship and being married can be two very different experiences. Premarital counselling helps you identify and learn to handle potential triggers that can turn into conflict in a marriage. Asking the right premarital counselling questions is central to the success of this process.
Today, you may be compatible as romantic partners and find everything your partner does acceptable and cute. In a marriage, ten years down the line, you may find it hard to see eye-to-eye on little problems, quirks or habits. These differences can blow up into everyday conflicts.
Choosing the premarital counselling topics wisely and asking the right, pointed questions will bring new aspects of your personalities to light. You can learn how to deal with these potential areas of conflict without posing a risk to your marriage.
What Is Discussed During Premarital Counselling?
Anything and everything. From defining your expectations from the marriage to handling your and your fiancé’s past trauma, questions about physical intimacy, spirituality, children and social life – nothing is off-limits.
Premarital counselling sessions are all about exploring the lesser-known aspects of your partner and your relationship. You can find answers to questions big and small – from why your partner does not like rock music to why you are not keen on having children. A counsellor will guide you through your fears and past conflicts and prepare you to handle future differences and issues healthily.
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20 Premarital Counselling Questions To Ask Before Marriage
If you’re gearing up for this form of couples’ therapy, it’s natural to wonder what are the most premarital counselling questions to ask your partner. There are no holds barred when it comes to choosing premarital counselling topics.
To help you get started, here is a lowdown on 20 important questions that you must bring up in a premarital counselling session:
1. Why are you getting married?
Start it out with an easy one. This is one of the most basic premarital counselling questions you can ask. If you or your partner has trouble answering this, you may need to reevaluate your decision to get married. You can also ask about each other’s expectations from marriage.
2. How do you handle money matters?
It is important to talk about money before getting married. How steadfast are you with your finances? What about your partner? Do you or your partner indulge in impulsive buying? Will you have a joint savings account? An emergency medical fund? These questions need to be sorted before the big day.
3. What is intimacy for you?
Couples do run into intimacy issues in marriage at some point. To talk about it might be uncomfortable but a professional can help with understanding the emotional and gender differences about intimacy and desires. Who is more likely to initiate action between the sheets? Who has a greater drive? What are your views on pornography?
Is withholding intimacy during a fight acceptable?
4. What does spirituality mean to you?
Some people are guided by religious beliefs, others by spiritual ideas. You may not share the same knowledge or understanding of spirituality as your partner. But you should know the foundations of their belief and share yours to build a greater bond in marriage.
Related Reading: Paying For The Wedding – What’s The Norm?
5. Do you cling on to the past?
Does either of you have a habit of holding on to the past? Does this mean decades-old issues will be raked up in every fight? Clinging on to the past can be damaging. Old issues and problems must not, under any circumstances, be used in the present. Maybe some personal therapy can help the affected person learn how to let the past bury its dead.
6. How do you handle stress?
Whether it’s giving the silent treatment when you are fuming inside or yelling at each other, every person has their way of dealing with unpleasant situations. These ways often become an integral part of the relationship dynamics.
How do you both handle pressure at work? Can you hold yourself back from going off at the customer service who has put you on hold for 15 mins? The rosy bed of early romance may not bring out the true effects of stress on a person. But marriage is a long road where you’ll have to deal with many, many high-pressure situations together.
Therefore, this is one of the most important premarital counselling topics to discuss. You can give incidents form the past where you have handled stress badly.
Your counsellor can help you direct you toward a much easier way to handle stress as an individual and as a team.
7. What are your thoughts on conflict resolution?
In years of marriage, there are bound to be conflicts. How you resolve those conflicts is important. No stone-walling, no letting the conflict sit on the dinner table while you both give each other the silent treatment. You should not be the only person who apologizes.
You should not be the only one to yell while your partner sits down and takes all the yelling in – both are bad and unhealthy. Premarital counselling will tell you that in times of conflict, it is easy to forget that you two are in this together and not against each other. Honest, open, verbal communication is the only way for handling conflicts well.
Related Reading: 12 Hurtful Things You Or Your Partner Should Never Say To Each Other
8. How much do you value personal space and time?
Does one of you enjoy a little me-time more than the other? How do you think that will play out after marriage? Do you need to do everything together? How important is personal space for you?
Wanting personal time and space is not alarming. But you need to honestly communicate this need to each other to avoid misunderstandings.
9. What is your take on recreational drugs, alcohol and gambling?
Have you indulged in a little grass in the college days? Do you both still do it? And how much of hemp, Hennessey and online poker will you indulge in after marriage? These are tricky yet vital premarital counselling questions to ask since substance abuse and gambling can create rifts in a marriage.
It is one thing to indulge in a few fun weekends. But what happens when one of you wants to turn every weeknight into a fun night? Early signs of alcoholism and addiction are mostly dismissed as a phase. Some people live in denial about their partner’s addictive tendencies for years.
The earlier these are spotted, the easier it is to get timely help.
10. What kind of social life do you envision for us?
Does your partner expect you to accompany him to the office parties, to friend’s housewarming and every family gathering? Can dinner at your aunt’s be skipped for no reason at all? What are your expectations when it comes to social life?
How much dining out with friends are you going to do? Will it be alright if you sat a few out just because you do not want to? If you are not as socially outgoing as your partner, making your views clear during premarital counselling session can save unnecessary fights in the future.
11. How much of our issues will be discussed with others?
This is also among the crucial premarital counselling questions to ask a future life partner. Couples tend to talk to their siblings or friends to seek insights about handling marital issues. You and your partner must set boundaries in this regard early on so that neither feels like the other is airing the dirty laundry in public.
12. What needs to change about us for a healthy marriage?
Do you often resolve conflicts with makeup sex? And it may seem to work out fine for now but if you don’t talk about your issues and address concerns, problems can begin to pile up. That’s why this is among the things to discuss before marriage you should bring up during the counselling sessions. A counsellor can help you learn how to use honest communication to build a healthier marriage.
13. Is there anything you wish I would change about myself?
“I like you just the way you are” might sound cute at first but marriage can turn those cute habits into bitter conflicts. Is your partner overfriendly with everyone? Is that a habit you think they can dial down after marriage?
Your partner might also have inputs on the things they want you to change. Willingness to put an effort to change yourself a bit can go a long way to accomplish a happy married life.
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14. How will the household chores be divided?
Every married couple bickers about household chores even when strict ground rules have been laid down as to who cooks and who cleans on which days. Even if there is a clear division of responsibilities before marriage, changed circumstances can cause bickering to kick in.
If you have a child, the responsibility chart needs to be altered accordingly. There will be conflicts – count on it. But leaving the dirty dishes on the sink for a week is not the solution. How will you talk it out? How well can you communicate with the evolving responsibility of chores that might arise in the marriage?
Asking the right premarital counselling questions at the right time can help you navigate these potential minefields successfully.
15. Is emotional infidelity considered cheating?
This is undoubtedly among the most sensitive premarital counselling topics but it will help you prepare for the worst. Talking about it does not mean you are going to emotionally cheat on your partner. But it certainly helps clear the air about what would happen if either of you fell prey to emotional infidelity.
16. Would we relocate for the career growth of one of us?
Or would you stay put while your partner relocated to their new place of work? Career growth is important but what views do you have about sticking together geographically if you or your partner is up for a promotion in a new place?
Sorting these things out will clear the air well in advance. Any such crucial decisions in the future won’t lead to resentment in your marriage.
17. What things are off-limits when it comes to intimacy?
The intimacy question again. When the novelty of marriage wears off, spicy bedroom escapades can shrivel up as well. Are you open to trying you things to spice up your intimate moments? If yes, to what extent? Would both of you be willing to see a sex therapist, if need be?
Is swinging a no-go zone for you? Would you be open to threesomes but don’t want to offend your partner by saying so? Being aware of where you and your partner draw the line when it comes to being experimental in bed can avoid tense moments in the future.
Related Reading: Life After The Wedding And The Honeymoon – What They Don’t Tell You!
18. Do you want children? How will they be brought up?
You’d probably have had this conversation before entering the therapist’s office. It is still among the vital premarital counselling questions to address to make sure you are on the same page about childbearing and rearing.
19. How involved will the families be?
Family can be a touchy topic especially if either one of you shares a close bond with parents, siblings, uncles and aunts and cousins. Post-marriage, they will become your family too. Even so, it is healthy to talk about the extent of their involvement in your married life.
Include a discussing on this delicate matter in your list of premarital counselling questions. Be gentle but clear about what is acceptable to you.
20. Would you be open to seeking couple’s therapy?
If there comes a time when you lose touch with each other mentally, emotionally and physically, would you rather work on it yourself or seek professional help to make the process easier for the both of you? The willingness to go into couples therapy has to be included in the premarital counselling topics, as it can make or break a marriage in times of crisis.
Can you do premarital counselling online?
Yes, absolutely. Premarital counselling can also be done online. Marriage is a sacred bond and we understand and value that. Our panel of experts offers counselling via WhatsApp, Hangouts, Zoom or your preferred mode of communication.
It is easy to get all your worries and issues known before getting married. Also, you can opt for premarital counselling even if your relationship is smooth sailing. The whole point of it is to make you better individuals and a better team together.