I have been married for 20 years. Sex has been irregular. I am a nervous wreck every time we have sex. For the longest time, I did not know why.
When I began dating my girlfriend (now wife), I would often ejaculate during just smooching or petting. I didn’t make much of it then. A few months into my marriage I knew I was not doing it right, because I would always orgasm within a minute of penetration and she would never have a proper orgasm from intercourse. We figured out a way to make her orgasm without penetration, so we never really worked on the intercourse part.
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But soon the Internet arrived and I began to research and realised I had primary PE. A lot of things began to make sense. I recalled those early teen escapades in an empty flat with a bunch of boys flipping through porn magazines. We’d wank in the loo and I’d be shocked how long the others took and how quickly I was done.
I also realised that on our first night a mistake had proven fortunate. I bought a desensitising jelly instead of KY jelly and that made the first night painless for her and desensitised and therefore longer lasting for me. But no pleasure for either! And pleasure-less it has remained since then.
During every session, foreplay becomes the main act, where I do all I can to bring her to orgasm manually. During this phase, I try everything to keep her from stimulating my penis, as it could mean a most unwanted, untimely ejaculation. And I never start intercourse until she asks.
Intercourse usually lasts under a minute with two or three stops. There is not much in it for her, as her rhythm keeps getting broken when I stop. I know she likes it hard and fast and slow thrusting does not do much for her. So each break is like a little death by shame for me. I am hyper-aware of the clock. I feel every second mock me, every thrust and stop expose me. Arousal ebbs away. Almost all intercourse ends with me muttering sorry. The doggy position offers some relief because she is at least not looking at my anxious face.
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The worst is after play; I dress, avoiding eye contact with her, hoping against hope that some day sex will not be this tense fight against ejaculation. Some day it will be more about pleasure, intimacy and a sense of manliness.
PE has emasculated me. It makes me feel I don’t deserve sex. I don’t have the rights that REAL MEN do. In the bedroom, I ask for nothing. I am apologetic.
PE affects me outside the bedroom. In our marriage and family life, she takes the major decisions, as I cannot bring myself to argue or put my point across effectively or stand up for myself during spats. A lifetime of passive behaviour has made me angry and resentful.
PE makes me feel small. General female attention stings like a bee. “Oh God! What if I ever had to sleep with her and she FOUND OUT?” This fear of exposure dominates my interactions with women in general. I feel intimidated. I have nightmares about being paraded naked on the streets with people laughing at me.
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PE takes away even the good aggression and assertiveness that is necessary to get by in life without being walked over. At work I never ask for my due or insist on doing things my way.
There is always a parrot on my shoulder giggling and whispering ‘ loser’ several times a day.
Over the years I have tried everything from creams to Kegel exercises to pranayam to alcohol. Nothing has really worked for me. Now my psychiatrist has advised me to stop watching porn and promised my anti-depressants will help. I wait for them to work.
(As told to Neelu Singh)