My wife shared bedroom secrets with a friend, and he embarrassed me in public. How do I deal with both of them?

Name Withheld | Posted on 12 May 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Wife Sharing Bedroom Secrets With Friends. How Do I Handle It? | Bonobology

Q: I have been married for three years now and only recently I got to know that my wife has been sharing our bedroom secrets with my best friend. I had introduced them two years ago and I'm not sure when they started discussing all this. I was left embarrassed in our friends circle when my best friend mockingly spilled one of my secrets. How should I deal with both of them?

So your wife, with all her good intentions, might have made a poor choice in the friend she chose. It is understandable that you feel hurt and confused.  Your feelings being valid, now we can talk about the probable course of action you can take.

First and foremost, don’t think on the lines of being betrayed as such, you’ll find it useful to give the benefit of doubt to your wife and friend; that their intention wasn’t to hurt or humiliate you. Then with that calm and non-blaming attitude, you can explain to your wife your need for privacy, and the incident that happened. It is important not to sound angry with your wife, as I am sure that this news would have made her equally uncomfortable. She might have experienced a similar betrayal from a person she thought of as a friend, in whom she had felt comfortable confiding intimate details of her life.

While being politely assertive, communicate your understanding of what sexual privacy mean to you, and that you would appreciate it if she spoke to you or a counsellor if she needs something addressed or just vent her feelings. Talk about how hurt you felt when the aforementioned friend caught you off guard.

You can also have a conversation in private with the friend and see if you can communicate the confusion and hurt you felt. Remember channelizing the frustration and annoyance you feel with your wife at him, and vice–versa, will not help at all.  Coming across as threatened will not help one bit. I wish you all the peace and skills required to deal with this situation. 

Views: 1.22k
Comments: 2

Mira: It sure gets embarrassing.... but i think it really is common.

Maya Khandelwal: Too embarrassing a situation to be imagined infact. I think a soft caution and a heart to heart discussion is all that's needed.

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