I had an arranged marriage, but found out that my husband is gay, and his partner lives in the same house. How do I get out of this mess?

Name Withheld | Posted on 23 Feb 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Didn't Know My Husband Is Gay Until The Wedding. What Do I Do Now? | Bonobology

Q: I am a 26 year-old woman. I have had an arranged marriage with the scion of wealthy family in Kolkata. On the wedding night, I found out that my husband is gay and his partner shared the nuptial bed with him, instead of me. Things have got steadily worse. His family will not let me go, my family wants me to adjust. He laughs at my helplessness as he and his partner walk around the house arm in arm. I feel like killing myself.

You are going through a really tough time at the moment. I can imagine it may have disorienting effects on you and undermine your confidence to deal with your situation and gaining more control over your life than you feel you have currently. I can understand the helplessness that your question seems to be making visible.

The good news is that the fact that you have sent me a question makes me think that you haven’t lost all hope regardless of how temporary moments of intense sadness make you believe. The following things might be of interest to you in gaining perspective of the situation and hence devising you own plan to deal with it. First of all ask your self few of the following questions; Why do I choose to live with an obviously unkind and dysfunctional man and in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage (using the data points you gave)? Is it his money? Is it my love for him? Is it my own lack of skills, degree or willingness to deal with life independent of him? Am I too scared of coming across as a bad wife, daughter-in-law, or worse, a bad daughter to my family and immediate social circles? Do I think I am capable of creating happiness on my own? Which one of these is causing me to feel helpless in a country where I have resort to law of the land?

Once you have answered these questions for your self honestly and in the quiet of your mind, you may be able to devise a plan to resolve the situation for your self, for example, striving towards economic independence by finding a job and slowly moving out of the toxicity of the existing environment. 
If there is psychical abuse and coercive detaining in the house, then do involve the police from the very start of this process. Also remember that this process will not be easy, it will make your life inconvenient for sure for the short run, however not impossible.

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Comments: 1

Thespian: There are so many unfortunates like her... I hope she found the courage to walk out, or at least to carve out a satisfactory life at her own terms. [As an aside, this is not an LGBT issue. Why the label?]

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