I Fled an Abusive Marriage and yet, why do I Miss my Husband?

Name Withheld | Posted on 02 Aug 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Why Do I Miss My Abusive Husband? | Bonobology

Hi, I got married last year on February 14. It was an arranged marriage and lasted for about ten months. There was a lot of emotional abuse, as well as physical abuse and mental torture Basically, he wanted to control me in every way and he called it love. Now the problem is, that I still can't seem to forget him. For a long time, I kept feeling guilty for leaving him. I keep remembering the good times we had. I am back at my parents’ place since December now and just can't seem to move on with life. Also, since it was my first relationship meaning I never even had a casual affair or a fling, I gave it all I had. I was trying to save my marriage but eventually walked out on him. His name is also Deepak. Now, I can't seem to be positive about future or let's say I just completely hate men altogether. Also, I hate to mention that I have become quite repulsive around family which I don't wish to do. How do I change my attitude towards life?

You need to give yourself a break. Given the fact, that it was your first experience at any long-term romance, it is bound to have a considerable impact on you. It is normal to feel sad and second-guess your choice to leave. We rethink about our choices many times, especially if they are going to have a potentially big impact on our lives, whether it is investing a large chunk of our savings in some bond, making a career move, marrying someone or getting a divorce.

When we are removed from a conflict it becomes easier to have a perspective on it compared to when we were in the middle of it all. However, one must be aware the unintended consequences of nostalgia, which is ironing out real problems of the past and excusing things that should not be excused or encouraged. We do this in a subconscious attempt to have a largely positive historical background of our lives. It helps us create an overall positive identity pattern/s. 

For example, under no circumstances that I can think of, initiation of physical force to intimidate or solve a problem is acceptable, no matter how much love is felt or expressed between the partners. I am not asking you to hold a picture of your husband bleaker than he actually was, what I am asking you to do is to embrace the pain of separation and keep in mind the real reasons you left the marriage. It might have been very good in parts, but it did violate the basic no-no(s) of a covenant between two autonomous individuals.

You have to most importantly remind yourself, that you are a complete human being in yourself. Struggle as you might with developing an identity of your own, without him, you’ll just have to be patient and loving towards yourself for your own identity to emerge.  

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