Why am I being blamed for my husband's failures?

Name Withheld | Posted on 07 Aug 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Why Does My Husband Blame Me For His Failure? | Bonobology

Question: My husband blames me for the ups and downs in his job. He claims that due to me, everything is going wrong in his life. I feel disappointed. However, I love him and don't want to leave him. What can I do to save ourselves?

Name withheld  

It must be really disconcerting to be blamed for things that you have nothing to do with and have very little control over. People sometimes have a tendency to blame their failures entirely on either themselves, others or other external agencies. It is a coping mechanism that a lot of us engage in. Taking complete or no responsibility of your failure/s - both come with consequences.

Generally, one would observe the trend of not taking the legitimate bit of responsibility of what happened and blame it on the next available “suspect.” I explained it, not to excuse your husband’s behaviour but for you to understand the absurdity of taking it personally. From what I seem to understand, his accusations have no basis in reality and should be seen just as that.

I know it is hard and it hurts to see your loved one being irrational, especially when the manifestation of it is an attack on yourself. I would recommend that you help your husband by encouraging him to talk to someone he might trust (more importantly known to you as a rational and objective person) e.g. a friend, a family member or even a relationship counsellor. I urge you again to not take this predicament personally, it will help you with your emotional difficulties and will perhaps leave you with more motivation to gather skills to deal with the situation. All the best!

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