How do I Handle my Husband's Insecurities?

Name Withheld | Posted on 14 Aug 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | I Need Marriage Help To Handle My Insecure Husband | Bonobology
 
Question: I have just joined a job after being in a business with my spouse of 11 years because we had financial problems. We weren’t left with any choice but to go out and earn a living. Now, my insecure husband has all kinds of questions for me. He messages me endlessly day in and day out.  I do realise that he’s going through financial stress as well as the fact that he had to let me go out and earn a living. I have explained to him very lovingly and calmly and we have fought about this too. I don’t want to fight however, so I keep quiet and ignore the comments he makes about my clothes, why did I leave our home business and all that. It is making a mess of our lives. We have two kids and I don’t want us to be fighting in front of them. 
 
Changes are hard but they are inevitable in life. They can stoke insecurities in us all. Sometimes we don’t even know the different types of insecurities that we have until we are faced with the challenges that the change has brought with it. Understanding the root cause of a behaviour however, in no way is an excusing license for it. It should help you to not take personally his inability to deal with the psychological challenges that this change in life has provided him. We all have our psychological challenges and our unique ways of dealing with them.
 
If I were you, I would hold my ground and continue to work and try really hard to not let his opinions bring me down.
 
Perhaps if he knew your workplace and work mates better, he would be more at ease. That is not a guarantee, but it may be worth a shot. Perhaps take him to your work once, for him to see where you work and what kind of people you work with. You could even call a select few of the people at home for coffee and snacks and let him generally socialize with them. I would do this with the intention of helping abate his fears and insecurities, as opposed to an act that was undertaken to help him get-me-off-my-back. The focus and goal of the intention is very important. It will help you deal with the outcomes of the experiment, whatever they might be. If this doesn’t cut it, I would suggest a few brief sessions in couple counselling.
 
 
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