My outgoing girlfriend hates restrictions and I feel insecure. How should I handle this situation?

Name Withheld | Posted on 13 Sep 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Girlfriend Hates Restrictions & I Feel Insecure | Bonobology

Q: I am a 24-year-old guy and my girlfriend, who is going to turn 28 next month, works in the same office. We have been in a relationship for more than a year and plan to get married as soon as her parents agree. The problem with us is that we fight almost all the time over trifles and both our egos are so huge that neither of us wants to back down in a fight. Now, she is a very outgoing person and I am not very social. The way she talks with other guys is kind of flirtatious. She says that that's how she talks with everybody and she has no wrong intentions and I trust her too! But I have seen cases when it does not take more than a few exchanges to develop a crush on someone. This is my biggest insecurity and I have told her about this several times. On top of this, even though many guys bluntly hit on her and I advise her not to go out with such people to avoid awkward incidents she almost never listens to me saying that it's her wish and I don't get a say in that and that I shouldn't try to control her. Often when we get time to spend together and somebody else asks her out, she does stay with me but she keeps taunting me that she stayed only because I wanted. I don't know what to make of this. Why does she want so much attention from others when I leave no stone unturned to find time for her out of my routine? She doesn't place restrictions on me for anything and she expects me to be the same. But I don't like it when she goes out for late night parties with people I don't even know! I can't have a marriage in which I don't even get time because my wife is too busy either on her phone texting with random guys (even though she says she is just having a normal conversation but that encroaches on my time with her) or going out for parties. I know how stupid I sound but I seriously can't understand her thought process or how to handle this situation. I would be immensely grateful if you help me out. Thanks in advance :)

A: It is not stupid to get worried about things that affect you. Thinking that you are stupid to worry about things that are important to you will only add to existing unhappiness triggered by events and rob us of the perspective that we need to deal with the issue at hand.?From what you describe, it seems you need to hold your horses about marriage right now. To me it seems that the issues you mention around trust and respect for each other are not issues that can be ignored in the enthusiasm to get married. I see problematic behaviour on both sides from the account you have provided me. You struggle when things don’t go your way and she doesn’t seem be concerned for things that may need a lot of discussion. It doesn’t seem like a good basis one would want to start a marriage on. Having said that, I don’t think you need to entirely give up on her or yourself in the romantic regard just yet. Relationship counselling is an important step, which I would recommend for both of you. It is of value to have your issues looked at and addressed in detail in the presence of an objective party. It could help you address your individual issues and gain perspective about your compatibility with each other, which you both seem in dire need of, at the moment.

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