Abusive separated husband wants to get back together

Name Withheld | Posted on 23 Sep 2016
Counsellor : Deepak Kashyap
Ask Deepak | Abusive Separated Husband Wants To Get Back Together | Bonobology
Q: My husband and I have applied for divorce, which will come through in a few months. Though I did love my husband a lot, I had to walk out of our marriage, as he became abusive. There were lies, uncooperative in-laws, manipulation and too much drama. This led me to a breakdown at one point. Despite this I was reluctant to file for divorce, but he wanted it. My husband gave a lot of importance to money and they used to ask me for money. But when it came to the point of divorce, he had to give out money as settlement from his savings. Plus he also lost his job. Now he is contacting me and asking me for forgiveness and another chance. I am very sure that my husband has some kind of personality disorder. Though he says everything happened because he didn’t have a job, I am unable to trust him. I feel he wants me back only for money. At the same time I am unable to forget him. Please help.
 
A: I have to admit that it is hard to judge a situation as complicated as a divorce with a 195-word question, but I have to work with the information you provide me.
 
From what I can tell, it seems like you did love your husband but your love doesn’t necessarily seem a response to any obvious values that you see in him as a husband. It seems as though you left for the right reasons. Putting up with emotional and physical abuse is not advisable under any circumstances that I can think of. If you think he is coming back to you only for money and not because he has had a life changing insight, then going back may not be ideal, regardless of what your emotions are telling you to do. Sometimes our emotional state after divorce is not only governed by what has happened but also what lies ahead. The uncertainty of it all can generate anxiety and make us want to go back to a familiar zone of comfort. It may not be comfortable in a peaceful sense, but in the sense of familiar challenges that you have spent some time with.
 
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