Am I immoral for loving three men?

She had two affairs with married men before her own marriage, and is still in touch with them. Although she’s not unfaithful to her husband, she loves all of them

Ipsita Nathak | Posted on 06 Oct 2016
Affair With More Than One Married Man Before Marriage | Bonobology

Names changed to protect identities

I am Rohinie, wife and mom to two beautiful kids.

I had affairs with 2 married men before I settled down. 

My first man, Siddharth, came into my life when I lived and worked in New Delhi in 2004. We met on the job. I was, in those days, writing about the real estate market as a journalist and he was a dynamic architect. When I first interviewed him, I was drawn to him. He was suave, ruggedly handsome, and had a quaint seductive appeal that caught my attention.

We met a few times initially on a formal basis, and one day he finally asked me out. When I realised that he liked me, a lot, I did not ward off his advances because I found him incredibly attractive! I was just 23, he was 37; and during our conversations he confessed that he had an open marriage. We connected at many levels. What started off as a few dates gradually grew into a romantic liaison, and extended to multiple sexual rendezvous over a span of 4 years. I was naïve and hesitant at first because I was a virgin then. But Siddharth let me move at my own pace and comfort, and that’s what I appreciated the most – that he never forced himself on me, even though he could have! We eventually drifted apart when I relocated to Bangalore with a new job in 2008. But we continue to stay in touch, and meet when in the same city even now. And yes, I still love him.

I was 28, and had realised my affinity for older men. I also had a deep consciousness of my inherent sexuality. I knew by now that I could attract any man with my charms if I so wished.

This was when I met an affable, charming, 40-year-old golfer, Rajiv, at a party hosted by friends in Bangalore. In fact, Rajiv was a family friend, married with two kids. I was meeting him after several years.

Initially we hit it off as friends, casually catching up on bygone days. We shared numbers and the frequency of our interactions grew. He admitted that he loved talking to me, meeting me. Rajiv and I discovered an intimate connect, a common wavelength, which drew us closer with the passage of time. We fell in love. He often told me that I had come as a ‘breath of fresh air’ in his otherwise mundane life! I have no qualms in admitting that we had a fun-filled relationship, some would call it a rollicking affair, for 2 years in Bangalore.

I was 30 now. My parents were keen to get me married. I didn’t resist, on one condition, that I would have to fall in love with the guy first. I rejected many proposals until an interesting alliance came my way in 2010. I met the guy, liked him, fell in love. Ashwin and I have been married for 6 years now, happily too I suppose, with 2 gorgeous kids!

I continue to keep in touch with both my ex-lovers. I did have quite a few relationships in my past apart from Siddharth and Rajiv, but these two men were truly special, men whom I love even now. I can recount every moment spent with them. Love doesn’t fade with time or a change in relationship status, does it? Just because I am married now, should I stop loving them?

My husband does not know about my past affairs with these men. Although he has met both of them, he simply knows them as my friends. At times, I do have clandestine flirtatious text exchanges or calls with my men. They make me feel good about myself. I feel sexy and beautiful, I feel wanted. I have even met them a couple of times on private dates during the last 6 years. Rajiv had even attended my wedding in Mumbai, because he earnestly wishes me well.

I have not cheated on my husband yet. I am being honest here, that I have had no sexual encounters outside my marriage. But I wouldn’t deny that there have been temptations! Both Sid and Rajiv have left it to me if I wish to remain in touch with them or have any physical contact. They respect my choice, and as Sid often says, “I do not intend to rock the apple cart!”

You may judge me, call me a nympho or a slut. I honestly do not know what is moral/amoral. Rajiv had said during the start of our affair, “There is no black and white in life, only shades of grey!”

I have shared my tale with you today. I have no regrets about my past. Will I ever confess to my husband? Perhaps not. Perhaps yes, someday, over a drink, in the hope that he’d understand me, his woman, for who I am. And even if he doesn’t, one thing I am certain of.... I shall love all my men forever, from the core of my heart!

(As told to Ipsita Nathak)

 

Ipsita Nathak

Ipsita, a dreamy-eyed bipolar Piscean, is a communications professional who currently juggles work with household chores and humour keeps her sane. Writing, music, cinema, photography, cooking and travelling comprise her core passions, while her two-year-old keeps her on her toes. An avid social networker, she believes her online sojourns are a window to the world. Her writings are a reflection of her simple yet vivacious personality.

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abhasrao: liked the article. I am not against open marriage - I am against cheating and being dishonest.Its okay to love 3 men - draupadi loved 5 .Rohinie has 2 more to add to the list.However, i would not agree with rohinie's decision to tell her husband about her past ( and her present- "At times, I do have clandestine flirtatious text exchanges or calls with my men. They make me feel good about myself. I feel sexy and beautiful, I feel wanted" that is NOT okay) if she really wanted to be honest then she should have told her husband about her past before getting married to him.

Sandeep: Sister, I will pray to god for your redemption. Very conveniently, you have justified to yourself that you are not cheating as you have abstained from sexual relations from your old flames. Have you asked your husband if he subscribes to your theory of fidelity? And the opinion of the wives of all the married/attached guys whom you bedded or continue to be emotionally wedded to? Do you have any idea of the lives that have the potential of being wrecked due to your flings? Can you carry that guilt and still be at peace with yourself and your conscience for the rest of life? Plain and simple- Affairs Destroy lives.

SOUMYADIPTABANERJEE: Reposting a paragraph that I found striking. In my opinion, this is adultery. Adultery is not only limited to and exclusive to the body. I am so sad that she claims so faithfully that she has not cheated on her husband, which she is... here's the paragraph again... "My husband does not know about my past affairs with these men. Although he has met both of them, he simply knows them as my friends. At times, I do have clandestine flirtatious text exchanges or calls with my men. They make me feel good about myself. I feel sexy and beautiful, I feel wanted. I have even met them a couple of times on private dates during the last 6 years...."

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