Sex: a glass of water or a three-course meal?

Bishwanath Ghosh
Sex under Book

Do it but never mention it!

If people didn’t indulge in it, the world would have resembled the Sahara Desert or the Amazon forests. But there is a school of thought, which includes preachers and saints, which believes sex is OK as long as it is limited to procreation.

Then there is a school of thought – and most Indians belong there – which equates sex to early morning ablutions – a function that has to be performed, but you should be as discreet as possible and also not talk about it. It’s like having a glass of water – you feel thirsty, so you go to the kitchen, get a glass, open the tap, fill the glass and drink it. Similarly, when you feel lusty, you wait for the elders/kids to sleep; then switch off the lights, and quickly perform the act while being careful not to make any noise. The man turns his back and goes to sleep, while the woman – well, does she matter?

parents hide from kids

‘Hiding from the kids!’ Image Source

Sour grapes

These two schools of thoughts get highly irked whenever sex is treated as a source of pleasure. They want the act to be as brief as having water; they get scandalised when sex is treated as a full-course meal.

Actually most of the time, it is not even agitation – just plain jealousy. Given a chance, they would wring sex by its spine to extract as much pleasure as possible, but, alas, they have certain obligations and at times, limitations. Not that they don’t try to find a way out.

One incident is still vivid in my memory even though it is five years old.

I had just come to Chennai, and one of my pastimes then was to look up The Hindu’s classified columns and hunt for shady massage parlors. It was the hunt and the ambience of those places that gave me the thrill, not that I sought anything from them. One such parlor happened to be in Spencer Plaza, which was right opposite my office. I hopped across, since I wanted a facial. I walked in and was shown a chair. As the female attendant prepared for the facial, I noticed the occupants of the next two chairs through the mirror – I was stunned.

The old fogeys

They were two old men – so old that you could’ve imagined them only in a hospital bed or coughing endlessly in a bed at home. But presently they had taken a short holiday to heaven. I felt sorry for them – at 80, you can seek sexual gratification only on the sly, at least in India.


‘Balding men that ogle at young girls’ Image Source

But why should I feel sorry for those pot-bellied, middle-aged men, who keep their wives and daughters behind bars, curse channels like MTV, and hand out ostracization threats to young women living in the same apartment who dare to entertain men in their homes? These are men who lech at women on the roads, stare at the curves of their women colleagues and, if out of town on official work- keep whore-hunting on top of their agenda for the evening.

Related reading: Are Indians ignorant about sex and intimacy?

Fun and dancing

On Minto Road in Delhi, there used to be a cabaret bar called Blue Star. Now they have shut the bar and turned it into a ‘family restaurant’, but each time I pass the place, I can see the ghosts dancing. The audience would mainly comprise  of middle-aged men, who would have the full course meal in the cabaret bar and drink the glass of water at home. They would insist on stuffing 10-rupee or 50-rupee notes into the panties of the dancers.

Talking of cabarets, there used to be one in Nagpur, called Lahori Deluxe. Wonder if it’s still there. Once we all – as  journalists covering the BJP went there to witness the coronation of Bangaru Laxman as the party president. I can’t recall the year exactly but I think it was 1999- we had taken the G T Express from Delhi and got down at Nagpur, where we spent three days. I had not seen Chennai till then and was very curious how the South looked like, so I was very upset that I had to deboard the train midway without  travelling the whole distance (that’s when the desire to come to Chennai was born).

Experience counts

Now there are two varieties of journalists: one, the young and the not-so-experienced, and the other old or not-so-old but experienced. The categorisation, however, has no bearing on the quality of journalism or writing.

The BJP programmes got over in the evenings, and journalists like me — the young and the not-so-experienced — would wonder how to spend the nights. One night we went to Lahori Deluxe, bought tickets for the front row, and walked across to a bar to feed the thirst for lust. Back in the cabaret theatre, we took out seats. Minutes later we saw a huge group trooping in — the old and the not-so-old, who otherwise assumed a serious and business-like look. Sex seemed to be the leveller.

Related reading: 5 tea tonics for great sex

Priority number 1

The point is, everybody has sex on their minds — and most often it is priority number 1. Only that the number 1 position is either masked or marked dormant for the sake of other considerations — the primary among them being, “What will people say?” The masking could also be the result of the years of conditioning: “Sex is a bad thing”.

Come on, even the Supreme Court has said that if you deny sex to your woman, it could become a ground for divorce.

The bottom line is that sex is not a bad thing. It is a good thing.

Don’t gulp it down like a glass of water, but savor it like a three-course meal. I know my thoughts make me a “bad person”, but I am never constrained by the thought, “What will people say?” Because people say something, and do something else. They do something when people are watching, and something else when no one known is around.

I invite such people to come out in the open and let go.

‘so do it without being sly!’

Life is too short to be lived in denial or to do things on the sly.

Here are some social norms in India that you should break free from

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