I had sex with my boyfriend and realised I’m lesbian

When I met Ragini, she was already an active member of the queer community in our city. I met her on a Pride Parade and saw a confident, vibrant girl who called herself a lesbian in a steady relationship with a girl: So it is hard for me to imagine her anything but that. She emitted a kind of confidence that is inspiring, and I would have never believed any less from her. So it was a kind of a shock when I came to know her story.

(As told Stotropama Mukherjee)

Related reading: I had to choose between my family and my lesbian lover

I had a seemingly normal childhood

I am a single child of loving parents. I didn’t go through any existential dilemma as a child. I’m beautiful, and a talented singer, and so I fitted in perfectly. I was a popular girl in school and loved my school life, unlike so many queer people in our country.

I was a late bloomer; that is, I took my time to explore my sexuality. Before I went into introspection, I tried to fit in: do the right thing that is expected of me. I dated boys and kept my ‘virginity’, but something was always missing.

Then I met Rishi

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I was in the second year of college. I was single, as I dumped my third boyfriend since school. You know how boys of this age have one thing on their mind, and I wasn’t ready for it. So single me went to this intercollegiate singing competition. I was with my friends, and they were all rooting for me. It is there I met Rishi. You know how the lyric to that Taylor Swift song ‘blank space’ goes,

Saw you there and I thought
Oh my God, look at that face
You look like my next mistake
Love’s a game, wanna play?

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Rishi was different. If I had to describe him in a word, then I would say he was softer. He wasn’t loud or aggressive like other guys. I was the aggressive one in the couple. He would just blush whenever I mention something intimate. He was also sensitive and understanding and an excellent listener. I felt happy with him, as he didn’t push me to have sex. He even said he would wait for me to be ready.

I liked Rishi. He had creamy skin and deep brown eyes. Kissing him was excellent: he would close his eyes and let me kiss him. He responded well to touch and even made noises when we got intimate. So I decided to have sex with him. This time around, I thought I was ready.

Related reading: I’m bisexual, and my best friend is my lover

So I decided to try sex with my boyfriend

So Rishi and I managed an empty apartment and got to it. It was a disaster.

So I decided to try sex with my boyfriend
So I decided to try sex with my boyfriend

You know, I don’t make one mistake twice; I do it quite a several times to make sure I understand.

You know, I don’t make one mistake twice; I do it quite a number of times to make sure I understand.

Rishi and I had sex several time in the course of the next four months, and things didn’t get better.

Initially, I liked the foreplay: the kissing, the fondling, the exploring, but it was not enough. He never found my clitoris: whenever I would guide his hands there, he would go straight inside my vagina. The sight of the dick picked me out: It looks gross even inside a condom. I used to white knuckle through the penetration and thanked God that it didn’t last very wrong.

I faked orgasms from my masturbation experience just to finish it. I started thinking of other people while I was with him. Most of the people I fantasised about were women, like Bollywood or Hollywood actresses. I’ve fantasised about them during masturbation too. This helped me forget the ordeal it was, having sex with Rishi.

I finally accepted my sexuality

I finally accepted my sexuality
I finally accepted my sexuality

In 4 months, I understood that it’s not just about Rishi, I’m not into men. I like sex but not penetration. I would instead like something soft and supple like a tongue down there rather than a hard and solid thing like a dick. While I’m not afraid of dicks, I disliked them. I especially hated penetration: it was painful and didn’t add to the pleasure.

It took me four months to realise and accept that. It took me four months to break up with Rishi. And then it took me years to reach here. Rishi and I are still friendly. He was the first one I came out to, and he gave me a lot of confidence to explore my sexuality. Even after the breakup, he has been a supportive friend after I started dating women. I still tease him saying that he is so bad at sex that I turned into a lesbian. He just smiles and blushes but never protests. I hope he doesn’t believe it to be accurate; I was born this way.

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