The worst place to look for sex tips is Bollywood, hands down! Starting from the ridiculousness of using flowers as the greatest euphemism for sexual intercourse, to the current oversimplification of casual sex, we know by now that Bollywood pretty much sucks at giving us any practical sex lesson.
Best Bollywood’s fundas on sex (or not!)
But back in the 90s the only way youngsters could quench their curiosity about sex was through Bollywood movies. And what we learnt from those flicks was pretty much BS. Here are the best takeaways –
Related reading: Shocking sex confessions of Bollywood celebs
Flowers get to have sex more often than humans
Flowers get laid, people. When the wind blows and two florets brush against each other, it’s the first base. When the wind gets high and two florets stroke each other with a little more force, you must understand that the actors in the movie are going to the metaphorical second base. Finally when the flower blooms in slow mo, you know that they have done the actual intercourse.
Related reading: Here is a video on seven commandments for the bedroom!
Guys are into casual coupling and girls look for emotional sex
Bollywood is the biggest endorser of ‘Men will be Men’ extravaganza. Men like to glorify their commitment phobia by voting for casual aka Band Baaja Baarat sex, while girls like to forget all about feminism and only look for committed kind of sex which must lead to marriage.
Related reading: 10 Bollywood films that glorify stalking
Nobody cares about condoms
Why bother, right? It’s not that Bollywood never talks about protection. Remember Salaam Namaste and Shaadi Ke Side Effects? Ridiculously enough, the issue of using a condom crops up only in case of unwanted pregnancy that must take place before the interval. Other risks, like catching a sexually transmitted disease as a pitfall of not using a protection, is a foreign concept in Bollywood movies. So much for sexual revolution, guys!
People get high when it rains
The amount and intensity of rain is directly proportional to how high people feel to get laid. Girls almost instantly get into an orgasmic zone as she gets drenched. Plus they start hearing the piano and sing and dance about sex. And the foreplay is done!
The magical milk glass is the best aphrodisiac, especially on the wedding night
It doesn’t matter if the girl is marrying a stranger or if she is nervous AF on her wedding night, the mighty glass of milk is a must for sex. Why? Because she wants to copulate, duh! She also wants to get pregnant instantly, so she brings the magical milk glass for the guy to set his mood for sex and make his sperms healthy. Long live sex education!
Good girls don’t give consent to sex
If you are a good girl, you must play hard to get. Fumes must come out of your ears with the mention of sex. Good girls place their virginity on a pedestal and never let anyone touch it, unless the hero stalks her good to declare his OTT passion or she gets raped. In Bollywood movies a good girl never consents for sex, the sex is always circumstantial for her. So much for women rights!
It’s important to sing and dance about sex than actually doing it
When it comes to on-screen sex there is a fine line between being sensual and vulgar. But music is a safe bet. We can do dirty talk and make stimulating gestures as long as there is an orchestra playing in the background. But actually having sex is a big deal. In fact it’s bigger than inciting sexual violence against women or dissecting a woman’s dignity.
But Bollywood is gradually shifting towards more invigorating narratives in recent times, and we can only hope for the time when it will start showing sex as sex, and not as a glorified taboo.