Counselling

Our sex life is zero as my husband has severe backache

I feel my husband has lost interest in me. I want my loving husband back.
couple not talking to each other in bed

Question:

Dear Ma’am,

I have read many solutions by you on the website and I hope you can solve my problem too.

I am a 34-year-old married woman. We have been married for 13 years. Our sex life is zero for the past seven years. It is because my husband has a severe back problem. A backache doesn’t allow him to engage in any sexual acts.

His back pain is due to his long sitting schedule. The doctor said to check and reduce the long sitting hours. He tried some exercises, but we saw no improvement. He has to sit for long in front of the computer for his work. I don’t know what to do. We had many arguments.

I told him many times that I feel you lost interest in me and this feeling gives me immense pain. But he always says that there is nothing is like that. That our problems are only due to his backache and that’s why he couldn’t express sexual interest. Ma’am, please help me. I want my loving husband back.

relationship counselling

Dr. Sharmila Majumdar says:

Dear lady,

Understandably, the limitations brought about by back pain may produce [restrict]stress that can damage a relationship.

The pain: The person who doesn’t have the pain often finds it difficult to understand what his or her partner is experiencing. The negative effects that pain has been causing in a couple’s sex life can sometimes spill over into other aspects of the relationship.

Good communication is critical: Otherwise, one partner may mistakenly interpret a reluctance to engage in sexual activity as an excuse for not wanting to be close, which can lead to feelings of rejection and resentment.

Be patient with each other: To reduce the tension, try to create an atmosphere in which neither partner will feel rushed. I suggest setting the stage with a gentle massage, a hot bath or shower, or the application of a pain cream – any of which can relax the muscles and ease pain. Even under the best of circumstances, back pain may occur during sex. Knowing this, both of you should plan how you will respond ahead of time, so you can avoid becoming angry or frustrated.

When standing up straight and/or bending backwards (extension) feels better: If your husband, with lower back pain, prefers “extension”, then he can use the missionary position, with the woman bending her knees toward her chest. For this to work, the man has to support himself on his hands so his back is extended or bent backwards more. Or she can straddle him (facing away or towards him) while he lies on his back with a pillow under his lower back or he may sit in a sturdy armless chair.

When bending forward (flexion) feels better: Your husband, with lower back pain, who prefers flexion, may be more comfortable entering his partner from behind, as you both kneel on the bed. Or, the woman can kneel on the edge of the bed, facing in, while he enters from behind, allowing him to bend forward as he stands. Also, they can lie on their sides, with him entering from behind.

All the best to you for a healthy married life.

Dr Sharmila

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2 Comments

  1. This piece was really helpful for my Aunt… She was going through something similar since her husband had a back surgery..She tried communicating her anxieties with him and they have eventually broken the dry spell. Thank you Team Bonobology!

  2. I like the fact that women come out and speak about their sex life on this open platform.. What Ilike more is that they are attended by professionals in such a sensitive and responsible manner.. I am sure this piece will help many others who might be going through similar problems..

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